let's find out how smart I am

so, hi, i have almost entirely abandoned dreamwidth (although when i get back into perfume again i will return) but i felt like i should make a post about how i'm better now because, that happened. after TMS and two rounds of IV ketamine with zero improvement i tried a new medication, because Why Not, and six weeks later my PHQ9 had gone from 21 to 3. and it's STAYED there for three months now. depression over.

i've been having good sex, reading books, getting high WAY less, exercising and actually feeling endorphins from it, drastically reducing my impulse shopping, making rewarding emotional in person connections, getting back into a new fandom with the passion i used to feel, and also: writing. and as of last week, vidding, and all this despite some Major challenges (mom health crisis leading into mom dementia crisis, hurricane with extended outages). i've asked to go up another five hours a week at work. i'm just.....better. it's deeply fucking weird. i'd given up hope literal years ago.

so, apparently, that can happen, and it happened to me. which is pretty cool.

(the medication is Auvelity, the fandom is Deadpool, i've written three fics so far that have received a wildly and kind of frighteningly good reception, and also made a new fandom friend/writing buddy in a way i haven't since 2020 and before that 2013)

there are a lot of them. i've been slightly unhinged.

( fig and tuberose and lily and also other things )

i am absolutely blazing through my sample backlog! now including my ratings for the scent (though many of them lose overall points for poor sillage/longevity).

By Kilian, After Sunset: Fresh not-quite-sweet green, juicy in a clean way. Becomes a bit marine after a while (this is a good thing). 3.5/5 (I also tried Rolling in Love, which is apparently the tiktok favorite from this maker, but it was way too gourmand for me and the promised tuberose was simply not there, 2/5, why are all the tiktok girlies obsesssed with smelling like dessert)

Histoires de Parfums, Tubereuse 1 La Capriceuse: A heavy blast of suede with a marzipan note underneath. A lot of the reviews mention a balloon smell and that comes through pretty soon; absolutely zero tuberose. I forgot to check on how this developed so I need to retry it. 2.5/5 for the initial scent but could be fun to layer.

Acqua di Parma, Blu Mediterraneo - Fico di Amalfi: This had a nice greenness and a hint of fruitiness, but in a gently creamy way that I haven't encountered before. I have now purchased a five scent fig sampler to compare it with. 4/5

Valentino, Voce Viva. A nice but generic fruity sweet scent with vanilla notes, but notable for being one of the few vanillas I've tried that doesn't turn sour on me. 3/5

Sucreabeille, Goth as Fuck: a gently spicy incense, somewhat high-pitched (this is also a good thing, in this case at least). 4/5

Naomi Goodsir, Nuit de Bakelite: This starts out fascinating and wonderful--a slightly pungent, slightly smoky green that dries to a lively woodsy green. Unfortunately, while it lasts a while, it fades to a mostly generic pleasant masculine scent. Initial scent gets 4/5

Clean, Reserve Skin: I have no idea how this could ever be a "skin but better" scent unless my chemistry is just bonkers, because on me it smells like a sickly sweet child's dessert. I broke out the alcohol wipes to take this one off. 1/5

Clean, Reserve Rain: Now THIS is a your-skin-but-better scent (light watery floral and light cucumber). Unfortunately it's not strong enough for me to smell it on myself, and at the moment the only person getting close enough to smell it on me is strongly opposed to all perfume. I want this to be my signature scent but I do not have the disposable income to be buying a perfume that no one gets to smell, not to mention it fades away fast. 4/5 for the scent alone, if I ever start getting regularly intimate with someone who likes perfume I might grab a bottle

Giorgio Armani, Si EDP: Starts off smelling like Lambrusco and almost alcoholic (in a beverage way, not the alcohol base), then the cassis REALLY takes over to the point where it's almost medicinal. Eventually fades a little into a gentler fruitiness and then a pleasant but hard to describe skin scent. This is interesting the whole time and never bad, but not actually good for the first hour. 3/5

Ermenegildo Zegna, Uomo: This has an absolutely fascinating evolution! First citrus, then strongly and pleasantly woody in the opening. An hour later it's moved on to a friendly light woodiness with just a hint of green, and continues to evolve as it fades. 4/5 for the whole cycle

BPAL, Brown Jenkin: I love this one at every stage even though it changes wildly. At first you get a slightly high-pitched sandalwood and then what I think is the orris root--something sharp that borders on an unpleasant candied note but lands on "actually very good." After an hour it starts to smell exactly like the discontinued Lush scent Snowcake (a well-rounded, not too sugary marzipan), which I mourn for every single day, and after that a growing hint of leather creeps in. 4.5/5, definitely going to get a 5 mL of this.

Hermes, Hermessence Muguet Porcelain: MAGICAL. An overwhelmingly lovely wet lily with a polite but present green note that dries down to something mostly the same but also almost unctuous, and after a while some woody notes emerge. In the second hour it becomes what I can only describe as "shrubbier" and "shaggier." This only lasted two hours on me but I bought a larger decant anyway because I simply cannot be without it, it's up there with vintage Fracas as simply the best things I have ever smelled. 5/5

marc jacobs, daisy: on me this smells EXACTLY like fresh cut grass. i'm not sure if i want to smell like that but it's not bad, just pure lawnmower. it starts to evolve into something else around the one hour mark but then disappears. a lot of perfumes just vanish into my skin, so i assume it's my personal chemistry and not that 80% of modern perfume doesn't last at all. probably.

hermes, terre d'hermes EDT: citrus with a pepper note, warms up wonderfully, and lasts at least 3 hours (although i have to get my nose up in my skin to smell it). magnificent.

annick goutal, bois d'hadrien: starts out woody with a hint of citrus, then develops a wetness and the spice notes bloom. very masculine, very nice.

serge lutens, sa majeste la rose: this is WILDLY green for a rose scent. like the rose is there but it comes out stem-first, then dries to a more classic floral scent. after about an hour it evolves into a fragrance i would describe as "lush decay."

hermetica, jade888: i got a bunch of hermetica samples but this and darkoud are the only ones i liked. this smells exactly like the san francisco botanical garden, i.e. a very tree/shrub botanical, not floral. wet and fresh and lovely, but not strong or lasting.

tocca, florence: a straightforward and lovely white floral. i am absolutely insane for white florals/tuberose so i will never be disappointed by one. lasts about three hours on me, which is better than average.

BPAL, lust: my notes describe this as "indoor florals" and "ceremonial", eventually simplifying to a sweet and mellow incense. i like it a lot but like all the BPAL i've tried it's too weak and quick to fade for my tastes.

juliette has a gun, pear inc.: this was a brief hit of pear, then faded to something vague and faint, then the pear reemerged but sweatier. not great.

robert piguet, bandit: a farm smell but more of an old farmhouse than a barn. very masculine, very leather. wonderful but doesn't last too long on me, although i haven't tried a full all-over application yet.

tommy bahama, maritime deep blue: listen, they can't all be top shelf. if you want a fresh green ocean breeze scent for relatively cheap, this will do fine. it's not at all complex but i liked it.

elizabeth arden, untold: a powdery green that gets less powdery, eventually evolves into a chilled olive-oil-esque green. absolutely delightful and very long-lasting.

frederic malle, lys mediterannee: lily! intense lily! the scent itself is not as strong as i would like but it's LILY and i adore it beyond reason. just put this one on so no word yet on how fast it fades.

i remain alive, i am still very depressed, but i've kind of decided to live as if i wasn't depressed? it's not exactly working but it's not NOT working. i'm still vigorously pursuing various bdsm activities and through them, socializing, so that's nice. ( further on that )

i also managed to watch some TV by virtue of getting friends to watch it with me, so i've now seen A League of Their Own (perfection) and Interview With The Vampire (i have some quibbles but basically perfection). i don't feel fannish about them per se, that's an emotion i don't seem to have access to anymore, but i did definitely enjoy them and i'm attempting to read the vampire chronicles books--reread, technically, but i read them in middle school and remember literally nothing about them so it's all new. book louis is a dramatic drop in quality from the magnificence of TV louis but i'm coping, somehow.

further updates for those of you following my kink journey, which btw i deeply appreciate even though i never reply to comments: last night i tied someone up for the first time, and it was AMAZING and i immediately went home and changed my fetlife orientation to "switch." it was at rope class and the topic was not a specific tie but rather exploring sensations, and the feeling of satisfaction i got from hurting someone who wanted to be hurt was just--i can't even describe it. it made me feel so powerful and good and fulfilled, and she was so happy and giggling and gasping and i am so overwhelmed with how incredible it felt. today is a bad depression day and i am avoiding doing my therapy homework but last night was absolutely transcendent.

this week has been a bit better than last week, overall. i have an appointment to start IV ketamine in 2 weeks, and i have been informed that dissociation is not just a possible side effect of treatment but the actual goal, without which one is unlikely to achieve any of the benefits. so i'm going to experience that i guess! hopefully! not super keen on the idea of not being sure what's going on while i have a tube inserted in my arm, but the ketamine high that i have experienced has been mostly very pleasant so far so hopefully this will be too.

meanwhile i learned my first hip harness--most chest and hip ties are pretty difficult to do on yourself but this one only has one little hitch that i have to do behind myself, most of it is in front and on the sides. i really, really want to work toward doing suspension, starting with self-suspension, but it's tough bc i don't have anywhere to practice. like there's this rope group that meets at public parks and i plan to suspend from a pull-up bar in the park, but i don't have room at home for any kind of rig (nor could i explain it) and obviously i can't get a hard point installed in the ceiling. so i'm working on learning harnesses, and getting more comfortable tying and untying behind myself. (untying is actually harder; there are some tricks where you can do a tie in front and slide it to the back, but you can't untie that way, as i discovered when i unwisely tied a chest harness while waiting for a zoom appointment.) (i did get it untied in time but it was Close.)

i'm still not getting as much play as i would like, but i did get tied up quite a bit on saturday including the almost transcendent experience in my last entry, and i went to a munch on tuesday and i'm trying to build relationships and also, there's a party in 9 days and i'm hoping to get to do some stuff there and also meet some people and just--i'm trying to figure out how to find play partners, and how much of it is just "how to make friends" and when you can ask someone if they want to play or meet to negotiate play without being a creep. and it's hard bc i'm so terrible at all of this, but i really desperately want to get hit more often so i'm trying my best.

had my first ketamine appointment at the higher dose this morning...it hits HARD, i was lying down and vibing and also holding on for dear life. but i only threw up a little bit and i did not pee myself so i'm counting it a success. i was also informed that sometimes people who don't respond to the nasal spray still respond well to the IV infusion so we're holding that in reserve. and my wrist is getting better, and i'm going out tonight, so. basically a good day, i think. god i hope the ketamine works this time.

so last night i went to rope class with the person--i'll call them B, since i should call them something--who's completely new to the scene & rope but is learning to tie. and they tied me, and it was kind of slow and awkward since they've only been studying rope for a couple weeks, but it was also so delicious?? the position (a bunny tie) made my shoulders get tired pretty fast and it felt so, so, so good to stand there and hold them in place as it got harder and harder to do so. it never reached the point of being a true stress position, that would definitely be too much for me (at least until i get in better shape) but it was a challenge and i did it, because i wanted to help them and be useful. they were mostly tying behind my back so i really had nothing going on except standing there being still and quiet, and it was so amazing how i didn't get bored or distracted or need any kind of extra stimulation, i just chilled and felt what was going on and it was so peaceful. i don't even feel that when i self-tie, like i can feel some pretty great things from self-tying but if my hands are free i don't get into that amazing space.

i mentioned to B that if they were interested we could meet on our own for more practice and tying and they seemed into that idea, so i'm hoping we can build a relationship as rope play partners. of course we will need to do some negotiating but i really like them, as a person. they are significantly too young for me to actually date or do anything more explicitly sexual with (they're 25), but i'm not really looking for that kind of relationship, so that's okay. and i really love the idea of being USEFUL, of being there to help them grow and practice as they develop their skills. i find the idea of being in that role so incredibly rewarding.

so i had my first real session with the kink-positive therapist this afternoon and...i think that was the first good and useful therapy session i've ever had in my life? and i have been to SO MUCH therapy, starting at age 7 and on and off for thirty years. i guess my brain just wasn't ripe yet but right now i feel like a rug that's just been hung on a line and beaten clean, my god. so this is why people go to therapy.
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