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some_stars) wrote2012-11-22 04:46 pm
some_stars) wrote2012-11-22 04:46 pm
Entry tags:
WIP Amnesty 2012, part 1
I realize there's still a month left to go, but none of these stories are ever going to happen and everything's closed today and I'm bored. So without further ado, in chronological order, Shit I Didn't Finish Writing But Thought Was Pretty Okay And Got Enough Of It Down To Share The Fragments With You, round...whatever, completely unedited and unpolished as usual. [[Explanatory notes]] about plot and stuff are in brackets. Also, wherever there's [[...]] it means I skipped a line or several because writing is hard, and then I never went back and filled them in because writing is hard. Okay, that was a certain amount of ado.
Tiger & Bunny: untitled Barnaby/Kotetsu
This was cowritten withang, who gave me permission to include it here. It started with a discussion of the ways in which this fan comic (that's a translation with no link to the original artist, unfortunately) is the most perfect and true depiction of Barnaby and Kotetsu's relationship, and also how there should be more romantic comedy in fanfic. Then this happened. I'm not bothering to label who wrote what because it's all over the place, but you'll be able to tell because 1.) her parts are slightly better, and 2.) they sound different, since we were putting off editing until we finished a draft.
"Hey, Bunny," Kotetsu said as he sat down across from Barnaby in the cafeteria. "[[invites him someplace]]"
Barnaby glanced up from his food. "I can't," he said. "I have a date."
"Oh," Kotetsu said. "That's cool. I just thought I'd--" he stopped mid-sentence as the rest of what Barnaby had said caught up to his brain. "You have a date?"
Barnaby laughed that smug little one-syllable laugh of his, then said, "Going on a date with someone isn't even the most unbelievable thing I've done this week. I don't see why you're acting so shocked."
"Well, I mean," Kotetsu stalled. "I just sort of thought you didn't. Go on dates."
"Right. I didn't. And then I decided maybe I should, so I called up my PA and now I have a date tonight. This is not a difficult concept."
"You're dating Edith?" Their PA was not exactly date material.
Barnaby set his fork down slowly and deliberately, as though he were collecting himself, before he said, "No. Edith called up somebody else's agent to arrange a date."
"Oh." Kotetsu said, faintly relieved. But, "So you're just going on a date with whoever she sets you up with?" That seemed sort of sad to Kotetsu in the same way that the lack of furniture in Barnaby's apartment was sort of sad.
"She's one of the professional dancers on that show where they make washed up celebrities and retired athletes learn how to ballroom dance," Barnaby said, then added, "I'm sure you're at least academically familiar with blind dates."
"That's different. You're supposed to date someone because you have things in common and like each other. So your friends set you up with someone they think will have a lot in common with you, or will be your type. This is just your PA setting you up with someone to be seen in public with for your career."
Barnaby's eyes narrowed.
"What? I've been in this business long enough to know some people's agents do that sort of thing."
"Look, I wanted to go on a date, so now I'm going on one," Barnaby said, with a finality that made it clear that was the last he was going to say on the matter.
Kotetsu decided not to push it. "Well. Good luck, then, I guess."
*
The next morning they had a photo shoot, a morning talk show, and a hostage situation before he got a chance to ask Barnaby how it went.
"Not well." Barnaby frowned and poured some more ranch dressing on his salad. "She had no sense of humor."
"Huh," Kotetsu said. "I wouldn't have guessed that would be a dealbreaker for you."
"Apparently so." More ranch. Kotetsu glanced at his second hot dog, still waiting for condiments, and considered the possibilities. No, that was a terrible idea.
"Well," he said, "this is what I was talking about, you know, going on dates arranged by your PA."
"No, I don't think that's the problem," Barnaby said. "Anyway, she already got me a second date tonight."
"What, already? She works fast." Kotetsu had been about to invite himself over for a marathon of [[whatever violent homoromantic action fluff people watch in this universe instead of cop movies. Spy movies?]]. Barnaby claimed not to like them, so Kotetsu always brought classier beer to make up for it. Still, a good friend didn't get between his pal and the ladies.
"Okay," he said, "so who are you going out with this time?"
"A lingerie model," Barnaby said. Kotetsu almost choked on his hot dog. "Her name's Vitoria, she's Brazilian. Edith said she's very well read."
"Edith never sets me up on dates with Brazilian lingerie models!"
"Well, women Vitoria's age aren't really attracted to elderly single fathers. Usually," Barnaby added, glancing toward the other heroes at the next table for some reason. "It's not like in the movies, you know."
"Elderly?" he protested. "That's a little strong. I call it being in my prime of manhood." He frowned. "What is Vitoria's age, anyhow?"
"Nineteen," Barnaby said, and Kotetsu's bite of hot dog went down the wrong way again. "Honestly, I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this. I'm just trying to be as efficient as--Kotetsu? Kotetsu?"
He ended up having to do the Heimlich. The hot dog chunk landed in his salad, touching down into the ranch dressing with a little plop. Someone started applauding.
"You know," Kotetsu said, between coughs, "you put way too much dressing on that. It's not even healthy anymore."
Barnaby glared past his shoulder. "I'm not talking to you."
"But we have a CD signing this afternoon! We have to have cute banter!"
"I'm not talking to you until then," Barnaby said, and went to get another salad.
*
Vitoria didn't work out either. Barnaby told him about it the next night, having taken a break from his suddenly jam-packed social life to continue his ongoing attempt at teaching Kotetsu to make a stir-fry. The lessons were always an adventure, because Barnaby didn't really know how to cook either, but he claimed to be tired of fried rice. As if anyone could get tired of fried rice.
"She was too tall," Barnaby said, slicing a carrot into matchsticks so thin they bordered on invisible. "And too pretty. Wash your hands after handling raw chicken, you're going to cross-contaminate everything."
"Too pretty? How can a woman be too pretty?" He reached for the faucet. "Too tall, I guess, okay, if you're not really into legs--"
"Don't touch the faucet!" Barnaby snapped. Kotetsu froze with his hands hovering in the air.
"Why? Is it broken? Will it explode?"
Barnaby just stared at him. "I am genuinely amazed you've survived this long on your own," he said. "Use your elbow, otherwise you'll just get bacteria on your hands again when you turn it off. And I like...legs just fine. She was just too tall. It was weird."
"You're weird," Kotetsu said, and banged his elbow hard on the edge of the sink. The hopping around and swearing that followed got his raw-chicken hands all over pretty much everything in the kitchen, including Barnaby's shirt, and Kotetsu was banished to the other side of the room, which was usually how the cooking lessons ended.
[[...]]
"But seriously," he said, "how can a woman you're on a date with be too pretty? How is that even a problem?"
"I don't know! It was just--unsettling. And anyway, really pretty people are always so sensitive about their looks. Don't you find that offputting?"
Kotetsu put his drink down and stared. Barnaby was shaking the wok a little more vigorously than seemed necessary. "Did you insult her looks? Bunny, tell me you didn't--you did. You totally insulted your date."
"It wasn't an insult!" A piece of asparagus went flying. "It was constructive criticism."
"Oh no." Something occurred to him. "Did you give your first date any constructive criticism? The dancer with no sense of humor?"
"Well--"
Kotetsu dropped his head into his hands.
"I may have commented on her career choices," Barnaby said. "As a disinterested observer. That show is just so tacky."
"Oh god," Kotetsu said. "Bunny, these are your dates we're talking about. You can't talk to them like--like the way you talk to me. You're going to make people hate you. I mean," he added quickly, noticing the way Barnaby's eyebrows were drawing together, "it's fine when it's us, because I know you, and you're pretty funny when you're being a total bitch. But it doesn't make for a good first impression."
"I wasn't talking to them like they were you," Barnaby said. He sounded confused by the very idea. "I was just trying to tell them about their problems."
"Oh. Well...maybe don't do that next time."
*
Edith apparently agreed with Kotetsu on the topic of Barnaby's dating prowess, because when he called her up a few days later to see if she could schedule another date, she let out a long, heavy sigh. "Mr. Brooks, at this rate I'm quickly going to reach the point that no one else's people are going to talk to me."
"It's been two dates. Two. There are more than two agents in the Gold Stage alone."
"Given your previous... incidents, maybe it would be best if this time we went with someone already inclined to like you."
Barnaby sat back in his chair and turned on his TV. "You mean... a fan?"
"I'm not suggesting you make a love connection with a random fan off the street. But Amy Park has a new movie coming out, and she's mentioned being one of your supporters in the past. I wouldn't get your hopes up, but I'll see what I can do."
"What genre?" Barnaby asked in spite of himself.
"Comedies, for the most part. I don't imagine many of them would be to your taste," Edith said. Barnaby was pretty sure he ought to feel somewhat insulted by that, but he couldn't quite put his finger on why, and before he could respond, Edith had carried on. "She's a bit older than you, however. Is that going to be a problem?"
"Uh." Barnaby wasn't actually sure. "How much older?"
"I believe she's 32, although she may have recently turned 33. I'm not particularly close to her people and I'm terrible with birthdays."
"I think that's probably okay," Barnaby said.
"Probably?" Edith replied. "I don't want to get a call from Ben Perkins next week telling me you made his star client feel like an old maid. You better be sure."
"33 isn't that much older than me, Edith. It's fine."
*
[[Ang's postscript to this section: "In my head she is basically cameron diaz. IT IS THE ACTUAL WORST DATE OF ALL TIME." Barnaby calls Kotetsu from the bathroom begging for a rescue call, which he tells Amy is from an unidentified close friend going into labor, and the next day the tabloids are full of Blue Rose's secret pregnancy scandal. This is how everybody else gets involved.]]
4.
"Come on, no details at all? You can't cut me off like that," Kotetsu said. They were both working on the pec decks, side by side, and Barnaby was refusing to dish.
"It's none of your business," he said shortly. "I don't know why you're taking such an unhealthy interest in my love life, anyway."
"Because it's hilarious?" Antonio said, from the bench where he was doing chest presses.
"It really is," Nathan agreed, rowing steadily on the rowing machine. "You're so endearingly awful at romance. It's like watching a puppy try to catch a butterfly."
"That is a ridiculous comparison," Barnaby said, and shot Kotetsu an icy look as he snickered.
The sliding doors opened suddenly to reveal Karina standing there, looking furious.
"You!" she yelled, pointing at Barnaby. She stalked over to him before he could disentangle his arms from the machine. "You absolute jerk!"
"Uh--" Barnaby shot Kotetsu a pleading glance. Kotetsu just raised his eyebrows. Served him right for not sharing with his best friend first.
"I know you're terrible with women," Karina said, her finger still jabbing at his face, "but making a girl cry? She won't even tell me what you said to her!"
Nathan gasped. "Oh, for shame!"
"First those stupid rumors in the tabloids, and now this? You've got my stylist so depressed she had to call in her assistant to cover my makeup and hair today. It's going to look so bad!"
"I'm sure it won't--"
Her next finger jab made contact with his chest, pushing him back and making him wince. "That's not the point! Stephanie's my friend, and you hurt her!"
"I didn't mean to!" He'd got himself free of the arm-hold thingies and now he stood up, forcing Karina to back off a little. Just a little, though. He was glaring, hackles up--he hated being accused of anything--but he looked sad, too. He really hadn't meant to, Kotetsu was certain, and wished he could figure out how to help.
"Well, you did," Karina said. "I hope you're proud of yourself." She turned around and stalked away, but paused at the door and looked back over her shoulder. "And she wants her jacket back!"
"Her ja--" Barnaby blinked, his mouth stuck open for a second. "I think the restaurant has it?"
"You left it there? Your date forgot her jacket and you just left it?" Karina looked like she was about to walk back across the room just to slap him. Kotetsu tensed to get up and come between them if necessary, but she just shook her head. "You're a real stand-up guy, aren't you, Barnaby?"
The doors whooshed shut behind her.
"Well," Kotetsu said, "that was dramatic!" Everyone glared at him. "What? It was!"
"I didn't mean to make her cry," Barnaby said quietly. He sat back down, looking lost.
Kotetsu wanted to pat his shoulder or something, but figured he probably wouldn't appreciate it in front of other people. He also desperately wanted to know what the hell Barnaby had said to that poor girl, but that definitely wouldn't go over well.
"Well," he said, "you know, some...I mean..." He gestured meaningfully, and glanced at the other two with pleading eyes. Antonio seemed to be even more awkwardly uncomfortable than Kotetsu felt--he'd gone back to his lifting, watching the bar intently and going too fast--and Nathan just looked fascinated. Clearly no help there.
"It'll go better next time," he said, finally. Nathan rolled his eyes and mouthed, really? Kotetsu made a face at him and focused on Barnaby, waiting for him to look up and smiling when he did. "It will! I promise."
"You can't possibly promise that," Barnaby said, sharp and irritated, but he was smiling back, just the littlest bit.
[[next section contains a noncon kiss]]
5.
"Wait," Barnaby said, not sure if he'd heard her right. "You're a lesbian?"
Lara's hand flew to her mouth. "Oh crap, sorry, I fell out of character. Just ignore that, and let's pick up where we left off."
"Out of character?" Judging by how stiff she'd been all evening, her story about meeting her ex-girlfriend at a love-in on the lawn outside City Hall was the first in-character thing she'd said to him. Maybe she was trying to stay closeted.
"Stop talking about it!" She glared at him. "I'm trying to get back into my heterosexual headspace. You should give it a try," she added. "If you always act this uninterested in beautiful women, no wonder your agent thinks you need more practice."
"Practice? Headspace? What are you talking about?" Barnaby pushed his chair back, metal squealing against wood, and stood up. "Is this some kind of joke?"
Her eyes widened. "You mean...oh my god. Your agent didn't tell you?"
"She's my personal assistant, not my agent!" People were starting to turn and stare at them. He sat down and lowered his voice. "And she just told me she'd found another date for me." Though her tone had been suspiciously light over the phone. Edith never sounded that pleased with life.
"Oh, no." Lara dropped her head into her hands, sighing. "Well, this is a mess."
"Could you try explaining it to me?"
"Well..." She took another sip from her wineglass, then appeared to reconsider and drained it. "I'm an actress."
"I thought you were a college student."
"No, I'm playing a college student. A heterosexual college student on a thrilling date full of sexual tension. That's what I'm practicing, sexual tension."
There was probably some response to that statement that didn't involve silent, confused staring, but Barnaby wasn't quite there yet.
Lara, meanwhile, seemed to be warming to her topic. "See, chemistry is such a big part of acting, and I know you don't actually need to be attracted to the person playing your love interest, and actually it would be kind of creepy if you were, but you have to have that chemistry onscreen, you know? And I figure, why not take any advantage I can get, so I had my friend set me up with her agent so she could find me some men to practice on. I'm really into method," she added, which was apparently supposed to mean something.
Barnaby rallied himself somewhat. "If you're an actress," he said, "haven't you done romantic scenes with men before?"
She shook her head. "I do underground all-female experimental protest theater, mostly. I'm just trying to break into TV and film for the money. A girl's got to settle down sometime."
"And so you...went on a fake date." This seemed like a good moment to drain his own wineglass.
"Right! I wanted the whole situation to be right so I could find that genuine heterosexual moment to bring to my performances." Suddenly she frowned again, her brow crinkling. "But you were supposed to know what was going on, so you could play along! I thought that was why you were here."
"To...find my heterosexual moment?"
She shrugged. "You're like the only celebrity in Sternbild whose wild sex adventures never make the gossip blogs. I thought you were trying to stop people thinking you were gay. Are you gay?"
"No!" There was a muffled titter from somewhere behind him; he made himself lower his voice again. "I--" This probably wasn't a good place to get into details. "I'm not gay," he said firmly, and quietly.
"Really?" She leaned a little closer, peering at him like some kind of specimen under a glass. "Huh, all right. But you certainly aren't into me. And I'm pretty hot."
She was right, he had to admit, on both counts. She was hot, and he'd barely noticed. Probably he hadn't been attracted to her because he'd sensed she was lying. That was obviously why the whole evening had felt so awkward and distant, like half of him was somewhere else, talking to someone else.
He realized he was crumpling his napkin in his lap, pulling it back and forth, and forced his hands to let go. "I suppose we both might as well go home now," he said. "There doesn't seem to be much point in continuing this charade."
"Yeah, all right," Lara said, "but first let me kiss you."
"What?"
"Just because your night was a waste doesn't mean mine has to be! I need the practice." She gave him a bright smile, a wheedling note slipping into her voice. For some inexplicable reason, Barnaby found it sort of appealing. "Come on, please?"
"I don't think that's a good idea," he said, but she was already talking over him.
"And don't just sit there like a dead fish, okay? Pretend we're making a movie, get into it a little bit. You did say you're not gay, right?"
"I'm not, but that doesn't--"
"I really appreciate it," she said, and pulled him across the table.
It was less than terrible--she was attractive, and pleasantly aggressive--and only the smell of smoke eventually stopped him, when his shirt caught on fire from the votive candle trapped between them.
On his way home, dressed in a waiter's spare t-shirt, Barnaby decided Kotetsu didn't need to hear about a lesbian having to tear off his clothing in the middle of a crowded restaurant. Unfortunately this resolve didn't survive a second glass of wine the next evening.
*
"I think," Barnaby told him, "that it was the best date yet."
They were in Barnaby's apartment, stretched out on the floor even though Barnaby had a real couch now, looking out his giant window at the city doing its thing and having a drink. They were pretty much always having a drink, lately. Kotetsu wondered if he was turning Barnaby into an alcoholic. To be fair, though, the guy's life had been pretty stressful lately--although at the moment, he sounded less stressed out than he had since this whole dating thing started.
"Really?" Kotetsu eyed him, but there was no sign of sarcasm. And he'd been in a surprisingly good mood since Kotetsu showed up at his door. "That's great! So you'll be seeing her again?"
"Oh, no." He shook his head. "No, she's a lesbian."
"She's a lesbian?" Kotetsu repeated, clearly having lost the thread somewhere.
"But a great kisser," Barnaby added.
"That's...nice?"
Barnaby smiled. "You know, I think I really liked her. If she hadn't been gay and I hadn't caught on fire, it might have gone somewhere."
All the city lights laid out below them were reflected onto his face, and he was smiling like he wanted to laugh--maybe even at himself--and his jaw wasn't clenched and his shoulders weren't curled in tight. Kotetsu decided not to question it.
"I'm glad you had a good time," he said, and clinked their glasses together.
6.
Barnaby had thought the sixth date going pretty well -- okay, maybe not well, but passably. His date, an engineer at Helios whom he gathered was a friend of Nathan's assistant, was pleasant enough, moderately attractive, and was probably the first person he'd dated he was reasonably sure was smarter than him. Which was interesting.
They had gone to a nice, but not too nice, restaurant for dinner, and while there hadn't really been a spark, it wasn't a complete disaster either. She didn't creep him out or offend his personal sensibilities; he didn't make her cry, or accidentally insult every one of her major life choices. Barnaby was aware that his bar for success was pretty low, but he'd actually begun to feel the beginnings of personal satisfaction -- he wasn't completely horrible at this.
Until-- "And then," Barnaby said in the general direction of the bottle of terrible watery beer he held in his hands, "she said that she'd been under the impression -- from Nathan's assistant, I guess -- that I needed direct, detailed feedback on this sort of thing, and that in her opinion I came across as 'standoffish and weird.'"
Kotetsu sat down next to him on the couch, holding a slice of cold, leftover pizza. Barnaby hadn't realized actual adults ate cold leftover pizza until he'd started hanging out with Kotetsu. "Bunny," Kotetsu said, "I say this with love, but you kind of are standoffish and weird."
Barnaby took a sip of the shitty beer and winced. He had to be pretty drunk already before Kotetsu's beer was palatable. He set the bottle down on the coffee table. "I guess," he said. "But who even says that?" He looked back over at Kotetsu, who was still holding his slice of pizza in one hand, and added, "And do you not believe in plates?"
"Plates are for losers," Kotetsu said matter-of-factly and took another bite of his pizza. He'd mostly finished chewing before he continued. "And I'm pretty sure you would say something like that. Under the guise of constructive feedback, even."
Somehow, Barnaby couldn't work up the righteous indignation to kick Kotetsu in the shins in response. Even though he deserved it. "I just thought I was actually doing okay for once," Barnaby said. "But apparently she has literally never been on a date with someone who seemed to want to be there less. And she had this whole thing about people who say 'literally' when they mean 'figuratively,' so I don't think she was exaggerating."
"Did you?" Kotetsu asked as he gingerly set his half-eaten piece of pizza down on a napkin. A plate would have been better, Barnaby observed.
"Did I what?"
"Want to be there," Kotetsu clarified. "It sounds like you're more upset that your date didn't go well than that your date with her didn't go well, you know?"
"I don't even know why I keep coming to you for advice," Barnaby snapped. "Have you even been on a date in the last decade?"
Barnaby immediately felt sort of shitty for asking it -- or at least for asking it that way. And the longer Kotetsu took to respond, the shittier he felt. He kind of wanted to take it back, but at the same time, Barnaby felt like his point was valid, even if maybe he could have been a little more tactful about it. And anyway, it was Kotetsu, who was used to Barnaby being kind of a jerk.
After what seemed like at least a minute, but was probably just a few seconds longer than it usually took Kotetsu to reply to Barnaby's scathing wit, Kotetsu said, slowly, "Yeah. A few."
That sort of surprised Barnaby, who had just imagined Kotetsu hadn't been interested at all after his wife died. It was one of the few ways Kotetsu's inability to recognize when attractive people were hitting on him made sense to Barnaby.
"Okay," Barnaby said, "But have you been on any second dates? Because if not, you're not really in any sort of position to be giving me advice."
Kotetsu reached across Barnaby to grab the beer from the coffee table and take a surprisingly long drink. "Hey!" Barnaby protested.
"You weren't going to drink any more of it," Kotetsu replied, and set the bottle down next to his pizza.
"I would be drinking that right now if you bought less shitty beer," Barnaby said. He sank back into the couch a little, aware he was probably sulking. Being aware of it was somehow not enough to make him actually stop.
"Look," Kotetsu said. "I'm probably only going to actually be able to tell you this once." Kotetsu was looking at him with this weirdly concerned expression. Barnaby usually only saw that one when Kotetsu thought he was injured or something. It was strange to see it in the context of Kotetsu's living room. "If the only reason you want to keep dating a person is 'I just don't want to be alone anymore,' you probably shouldn't be dating them."
Oh.
Before Barnaby really had a chance to process that, Kotetsu stood up and started heading back in the direction of the kitchen.
"Wait," Barnaby said, sitting up a little straighter. He wasn't really sure where he was going with this.
Kotetsu stopped and turned to look at Barnaby expectantly.
"Where are you--" Barnaby began, but Kotetsu cut him off.
"I'm getting a plate," Kotetsu said. And then added, "And I think I've got some of that fancy crap you like hiding around here somewhere."
"Oh," Barnaby said, and sank back into the couch again. "Thanks."
7.
"I don't think this is working out," Barnaby said. He was curled up at one corner of Kotetsu's couch, taking tiny but frequent sips of his wine, which he'd had to pour into a drinking glass printed with the smiling face of [[some fast food mascot who is a cartoon animal with a stupid alliterative name]].
His date that night had run to the bathroom less than an hour into dinner, then come back out and gotten an "emergency" phone call a few minutes later. Kotetsu had to admit that this was probably karmic justice, but Barnaby seemed pretty broken up about it, so he hadn't pointed that out.
He felt on reasonably safe ground, however, nodding his agreement from his spot on the floor. "It really isn't."
"I just don't understand why dating is so difficult for me!" He took another, bigger sip. "People do this every day, don't they? It can't possibly be that complicated. It shouldn't be giving me so much trouble."
He sounded frustrated, like he always did when a plan got thrown off course. Kotetsu sat up and moved closer. "Do you really want to be going on all these dates? I mean, maybe that's not the right thing for you right now." Why saying that should make him feel suddenly warm and nervous inside, he had no idea. He was just trying to be supportive, after all. "Maybe you just need some time to be by yourself, figure things out."
"You keep asking me that," Barnaby snapped. "Like you think I don't know what I want. But I spent a year figuring things out! Without you, or--or anyone. I don't want to be by myself, I want--" He cut himself off, his gaze dropping to his hands. One of which was still wrapped around his glass, a little (a lot) more tightly than necessary. Kotetsu looked up at him and waited, feeling breathless for no reason at all.
"I'm 26 years old," Barnaby said finally. "It's appropriate for me to enter into some romantic relationships. And there's no reason I can't excel at it."
"Except your personality," Kotetsu said. Barnaby kicked him, and the weird moment passed. He took a drink from his own glass (a plastic Wild Tiger novelty tumbler, from some merchandise campaign a few years ago).
"Maybe I should try dating men," Barnaby said, tilting his glass thoughtfully. Kotetsu didn't actually choke on his wine, which was good since that kind of thing was getting to be a regular habit around Barnaby and his dating adventures. But he definitely felt some go up his nose.
Barnaby frowned at him. "What? It seems like the logical next step. Maybe men won't be so...complicated. I mean, emotionally. It could be a lot simpler all around."
"Okay, first of all," Kotetsu said, then paused to grab some tissues from the coffee table and de-wine his nostrils. "First of all, you can't possibly actually believe that, because I know for a fact you've met Nathan. Second of all, I'm pretty sure the only valid reason for dating guys is because you're attracted to guys."
"Well, yes," Barnaby said, "obviously that too."
Kotetsu stared up at him. "You are? Really?"
"Yes, really," Barnaby said. He drew himself up more stiffly. "Is that a problem?"
"No, of course not." He could tell he didn't sound very convincing. "You just never said anything."
"Well, I didn't realize it was such a big deal. I would have made sure to inform you when we were made partners if I'd known you'd be so bothered by it."
"I'm not--it's not--" He gave up, scrubbed a hand over his face before looking back up. "I'm that way too, okay? So I don't care or anything. I was just surprised."
Barnaby's eyes widened. "You are? But you were married."
"And you just went on seven dates with seven different beautiful women."
He tilted his head in concession. "True."
"So...yeah." Kotetsu shifted a little. It felt kind of unsettling now to be sitting on the floor at Barnaby's feet. He'd just ended up there somehow. "I guess we've established that now."
"That we're both bisexual?" Barnaby leaned over to set his glass on the coffee table, swooping closer to Kotetsu as he moved, just a few inches away. Then he settled back on the couch and stretched out his legs. "Yes, it seems we have."
It was almost like watching a nature documentary, the way Barnaby's legs unfolded--here we see the nesting habits of the wild Barnaby Brooks, Jr. in a rare moment of chilling out. Note the graceful extension of the rear limbs. And he must have taken his shoes off sometime because he was barefoot. His feet were kind of knobby-looking, with really clean toenails. Kotetsu looked at his own glass, and the empty bottle next to it, and wondered if this evening was about to go someplace weird.
"Kind of a funny coincidence, huh? Us both being into guys?" Wait, that sounded wrong. "Not that I, I'm not trying to hit on you or anything."
"Well, good."
"Just, you know, what are the odds--hey!" Kotetsu scowled. Barnaby wasn't looking at him--he was staring intently at his hands again. He was flushed, too. Probably from the wine; that second glass he'd set down was almost empty. And it was a pretty tall glass.
"Statistically," Barnaby said, "it's not that unlikely. And what are you so upset about?"
"It's a little rude to act like it's some huge relief for me not to be hitting on you!"
"Why? I think it's a good thing that we don't have that kind of tension between us. Anyway, why would you care? You did just say you weren't interested in me. So it shouldn't matter to you what I think."
Kotetsu couldn't find a flaw in that argument, but it didn't feel quite right somehow. "I--"
Barnaby sat up and leaned a little closer, meeting his eyes. "Unless you really were coming on to me, and just trying to deny it?" He had that intense pin-you-in-place gaze going on, like he got when he was really angry, or when Kotetsu got hurt fighting. It felt strange to have it focused on him while talking about--this.
"I," Kotetsu said again, and gave himself a little shake. "Of course I wasn't! Don't be crazy, Bunny."
"Oh," Barnaby said, and looked down. "Good. And just for the record, I'm totally not into you either."
"Good!" Kotetsu said. "That would be really awkward, you being into me when I'm not into you."
"Definitely awkward. I'm glad we could avoid that."
"Definitely," Kotetsu agreed. They sat in silence for a while.
"But," Barnaby said, when Kotetsu went to the kitchen counter for another slice of pizza, "I think if I ask Edith again, she'll just laugh at me. Or do something worse."
"Yeah, and when she gets annoyed at you, she takes it out on me," Kotetsu said, around a bite of pizza. "She sent me to get my legs waxed after the last one and told me I was there for a haircut. I barely escaped with my life." In fact it hadn't been just his legs--there had been strong words about the importance of matching swimsuits, as if anyone actually wanted to buy a two-page spread of Wild Tiger wearing a green Speedo--but he wasn't going to mention that part. To anyone. Ever.
"Waxing's not that bad. And it's a popular look. You should consider it a favor."
Kotetsu narrowed his eyes, not that it did much good since Barnaby was facing the other way. "Bunny. Do not ask Edith. We'll find you someone."
"That hasn't worked out so well the last few times, though, has it?" His voice sounded smaller. "I don't think I'm good at this."
Kotetsu frowned and put the pizza slice down and went over to Barnaby, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, stop that."
"Stop what?" Barnaby looked up at him, eyes a little wide. "Stop realistically assessing my performance?"
"You can totally be good at this!" Kotetsu squeezed his shoulder for emphasis. "You are good at this. You always say the right things in interviews and you're good with fans and everyone likes you. There's no reason you can't be the best date ever. You just need to quit overthinking it."
"It's not the same," Barnaby insisted, but he seemed a little less depressed. There was another long, quiet moment, before Kotetsu remembered to move his hand.
Barnaby sighed a little. "There's still the issue of finding someone, though. I suppose keeping this private is out of the question."
"Private went out the window when you got Blue Rose's secret baby in all the tabloids," Kotetsu said. "Everybody's interested now. Nathan will flip when he finds out you like guys. Oh, you could ask him, I'm sure he knows people."
Barnaby shook his head. "I think I burned that bridge," he said. "His friend hated me."
"Nah, you're still in, it's not like you made her cry or anything," Kotetsu said with a grin, and didn't bother dodging Barnaby's half-hearted shove. "And he likes you, 'Handsome.'"
"I'm not trying to date him!"
Kotetsu settled on the other end of the couch, nudging at Barnaby's feet until he lifted them. "That's good. Office romances never work out."
"No," Barnaby said, setting his feet back down on Kotetsu's lap. "No, they don't, do they?"
8.
"All right," Nathan said, finally, "all right, I'll give you his number. But I want you to know, Handsome, I'm doing this against my better judgment."
"I...won't let you down?" Barnaby hadn't really expected Nathan to agree to supply him with another date; he'd only asked because he really didn't know where else to start.
"Just don't break his heart," Nathan said. Barnaby's phone buzzed as he texted his friend's information over. "And you know where to come afterward if he breaks yours."
To Kotetsu's place, usually, Barnaby didn't say. Not that any of the women he'd gone out with so far had left him heartbroken, or anything more than confused and frustrated, but that was probably where he'd go anyway. Things made more sense there.
"Thanks," he said, sliding his phone back into his pocket.
[[which is as far as I got on this date. basically: things happen, one or more people have feelings. then we move on to the lightning round.]]
9.
"What are you supposed to do when your date starts touching you with his feet under the table?"
"Uh." Kotetsu paused in the middle of his [[...]]. "Was he touching you in an inappropriate area? Or just playing footsie?"
"I guess the latter." He frowned. "Is that what it's called?"
"Yes," Kotetsu said, with a sinking feeling (while simultaneously trying to hold back a smile, which made for an odd sensation). "Did you...not know that?"
Barnaby looked stricken. "I kicked him back."
10.
The day after his tenth date, Barnaby didn't want to talk about it at all. Kotetsu should have left well enough alone, but he was going out of his mind imagining what bizarre new way Barnaby had found to ruin things that was too terrible to even talk about. So he took him out for drinks.
"I tried to be more sexually aggressive," Barnaby confessed two [[drinks...of some kind]] later, hunched over the bar. Just saying it made him look miserable. Hearing it didn't feel too great, either.
Kotetsu held up a hand. "Let's just let this one go," he said, and ordered another round.
11.
Barnaby called him at quarter to nine.
"I told him his table manners were disgusting," he said. "And then I left."
"His table manners?"
"I could hear him chewing!" He grimaced. "It was unbearable. I couldn't even finish my sole. Have you eaten yet? You should make me some fried rice. I'll be over in thirty minutes."
12.
"Has anyone ever asked if they can touch your hero suit?"
They were sitting at their desks, plowing through paperwork. Barnaby shifted uncomfortably as he spoke.
"What, like little kids?" Kotetsu said. "Once or twice, I guess."
"No," Barnaby said, and made a face. "Not like little kids. Like..." He paused, searching for words. "Sexually."
"What, no, that's--Oh my god, your guy last night. Did he want--"
"With me wearing it."
"Oh my god, that's so freaky!"
"I know!"
13.
"You're right," Barnaby said when Kotetsu opened the door. "I don't want to keep doing this." It was a relief to say it. He felt suddenly lighter.
Kotetsu's eyes widened as Barnaby strode past him. "Was it that bad this time?"
"No." He tossed his jacket over the sofa. "He was perfectly normal and I was perfectly nice and nothing went wrong, and it was boring and stupid and pointless. I'm sick of putting myself through this. I give up." He fell back onto the couch with a grand arms-spread-wide gesture, bouncing a little when he hit the cushions. Kotetsu was watching him, eyes still wide and mouth open a little, looking like he wasn't sure if it was safe to approach. Barnaby frowned. "What?"
Kotetsu's glance flicked up and down, looking him over. "Are you...all right?"
"I'm fine. I'm great. I feel better than I've felt in months."
"Yeah, I can see that." He moved closer and sat down next to him, making the cushions dip. "You're pretty drunk, huh?"
"No," Barnaby said, indignantly. "I am not drunk. There was just nothing else to do during all the awkward silences. Those never used to bother me, before all this started. Before I met you I never felt awkward. It's a horrible feeling. I hate it."
Maybe he had had a little too much, to be talking like this, but mostly, he suspected, it was Kotetsu. Being around him, being in his home--he made it too easy to just say things, to stop being careful. That was the whole problem, of course; this whole mess was Kotetsu's fault.
"I don't want to talk about feelings," Barnaby said. Kotetsu nodded and patted him on the shoulder.
"Got it," he said. "No feelings tonight."
"Get me a beer," Barnaby said. "And one for yourself. It's sad to drink alone."
"I'm getting worried about your liver," Kotetsu said, shaking his head, but he went.
They didn't talk about feelings. They didn't talk much at all, mostly. Kotetsu put on a DVD--Barnaby was expecting the next installment of Secret Bullet or Classified!, but it was some old science fiction thing: good and evil, a quest for adventure, spaceships and robots and ray guns. Kotetsu sat back down next to him and they drank and watched. Gradually Barnaby started tipping over a little, leaning on Kotetsu's shoulder, but he didn't seem to mind. Eventually he closed his eyes. The sounds of the movie washed over him, mixing with the steady whir-hum of Kotetsu's breath to settle warm and soft around his body, like a blanket.
The last thing he felt was a warm hand stroking his back, up and down, slow and steady like a rolling wave. For a moment it reminded him of his mother, but he was too tired to lose himself in memory, and really it just felt like Kotetsu. He let himself sleep.
*
His leg was asleep.
There was something heavy in his lap, and his back hurt almost as much as his head, and his leg was asleep. Kotetsu woke up abruptly, aware of these three things, and it took him almost a minute to put them together and remember why he was twisted sideways, half-upright, and drooling on the arm of his couch while something heavy made soft whuffling sleep noises in his lap and occasionally murmured something unintelligible.
It was Barnaby, of course--Barnaby's head cutting off his circulation, and Barnaby who'd showed up at his place already drunk and spent the next two hours soaking up liquor like a sponge while Kotetsu first tried to keep pace and then just watched and worried.
He'd be worried again in a second--for both their hangovers, if nothing else--but when he sat up a little and turned his head and saw Barnaby asleep in his lap, face smushed against his leg and breathing through his mouth and his face relaxed, looking so young, at first all he could feel was warm, and good. It had been good last night, too, even though Barnaby had been sort of scaring him. Feeling him get heavier as he drifted off, rubbing his back the way he'd used to do to Kaede years ago to soothe her back to sleep--it had been like when Tomoe used to fall asleep sometimes when he was giving her a backrub, or when they were kissing sleepily in bed after a long day and her movements would slow, and slow, until she just drifted off in his arms.
It had felt almost hypnotic, and Barnaby had been so warm. For a split second Kotetsu started to reach for him to stroke his hair, push it back from his face a little, and then realized what he was doing. What he was thinking.
He rubbed his hands briskly over his face, wincing when it made his headache flare up even worse, and carefully wormed his way out from under Barnaby--more wincing, as the pins and needles started to stab harder--and set his head gently back down. An abortive attempt at stretching sent his lower back into spasms, so he gave it up and hobbled toward the kitchen for a couple liters of water. He poured a glass for Barnaby too, who probably felt even worse, or would whenever he woke up.
Somewhere around the third gulp of water, he became aware of a desperate need to pee. He took the short distance to the bathroom at an all-out run, and by the time he returned, Barnaby was stirring on the couch, slowly pushing himself upright.
[[so...this scene ends, somehow, and Barnaby goes on a dating hiatus and his mood improves dramatically, and he and Kotetsu spend a lot of time together having stargazing picnics (just like in the credits!) and general relaxed happy friendship time, and also sexual tension, and everyone is full of feelings and confusion. Also they drink a lot less, and Barnaby develops an extreme fondness for root beer.
Then there is Dave, who is Ang's invention and sadly most of his scenes never got written but I love him a lot.]]
14.
[[Dave Alvarez – Justice Bureau IT guy – putting new software for doing damage/whatever reports electronically on people's computers, teaching people how to use it. Probably complains about Judge Petrov being a massive Luddite about it. Kotetsu is doing some interview with some magazine for older ladies (he is very popular with the older housewife type crowd now that he has the flimsiest secret identity ever. It is very weird for everyone involved.)]]
"Hey, Brooks, can I ask you a question?" Alvarez asked.
Barnaby smirked. "Aside from the one you just asked?"
Alvarez rolled his eyes. "Nah. It's just that we haven't been hearing any Barnaby Brooks Dating Disaster Stories lately. Did you finally find someone it worked out with or something?"
Barnaby blinked, finding himself feeling faintly betrayed. "Tiger's been blabbing that stuff?" he asked before he could stop himself.
"What?" Alvarez said. "Oh, no. I did an internship at Helios, and I'm pretty sure your leak is Fire Emblem. They definitely sound like Fire Emblem stories to me, anyway."
"Well," Barnaby said as icily as he could muster, "I'm sorry you haven't been able to laugh at my expense as much recently." Who the hell even was this guy?
Alvarez sighed and rubbed awkwardly at the back of his neck. "This is coming out wrong."
Barnaby tapped his pen on his desk and favored Alvarez with what he thought of as his most witheringly impatient look. His 'you just wasted three minutes of my life' look. It didn't feel particularly convincing today, since he was trying to overcome the twin obstacles of being both embarrassed as hell and kind of offended.
"'Cause I was sort of trying to find out if you were seeing anyone," Alvarez said. "And if you're not, I was wondering if you'd like to, um. Go get some coffee or something sometime."
Barnaby stopped tapping his pen on the desk. "Did you just segue into asking me on a date from 'So, Barnaby, I hear you're terrible at dating'?" he asked incredulously. "Because I think that is actually the least charming thing anyone has ever said to me. And I work with Wild Tiger so the bar is pretty high." He reconsidered his choice of words for a moment, and quickly amended, "Low."
"Yeah, it was a lot smoother in my head."
Barnaby supposed Alvarez was sort of cute when he was flustered anyway. His ears blushed. "If you've heard so many of these wildly exaggerated tales of my social awkwardness, why would you ask me out? You can't possibly be under the impression you'd enjoy yourself."
Alvarez shrugged. "You know what you look like," he said simply. "And I figure worst case scenario, I get a good bad date story to tell at parties." He paused for a moment, glancing off to the side in thought, clearly having some sort of internal debate, before he added, almost begrudgingly. "And Ramamurthy in Accounting double dog dared me." Alvarez actually had the gall to smile a little self-deprecatingly at that. He had a really nice smile.
"Well," Barnaby said, setting his pen down and spinning his chair back to face his desk. "I can't possibly be worse at this than you are." He clicked an icon on his desktop and brought up his calendar. "When do you get off work Thursday?"
"What." Alvarez said after a moment. Then, "Wait. Seriously? That worked?"
Barnaby didn't favor him with a direct answer to his question. "I'm going to assume meeting at [coffee shop] at five-thirty Thursday is good for you. If I'm more than five minutes late, assume I'm fighting crime and won't make it."
"Yeah," Alvarez said, sounding a little dazed. "Okay. That's good."
*
[[Okay so then this entire large and important part is unwritten. But planned! It goes like this:
1. bad date turns good! Possibly he orders root beer and is all "yes. Root beer. I like root beer." And they have an adorable conversation, and then on the third date when he goes up to Alvarez's place there is root beer in the fridge and it's all just too fucking adorable.
2. talking with Kotetsu after first date--"so nothing went horribly wrong?" "no." "nothing went even a little bit wrong? You didn't say anything stupid? Or mean? He didn't have any creepy fetishes? Nothing?" "It went WELL. Why is that so hard to believe?" "bunny, you cannot seriously be asking me that question."
And then Barnaby has ~a sort of glow~ except mingled with deep confusion and now UST with Kotetsu. And Kotetsu has an inexplicable bad mood.
3. second date, Dave is basically perfect for Barnaby and the general idea here is that if he weren't already in hopeless love with Kotetsu, they would probably work out and be amazing. poor Dave :(
4. Barnaby goes to see Kotetsu before the third date and they have what my notes describe as the Virginity & Feelings Conversation, which hits the following points:
--Barnaby is a virgin, should he bring this up with Dave or what
--at least he's a virgin as far as he knows, what with all the memory-wiping
--actually he's quite upset about that
--actually he's quite upset about the whole year that he spent alone, without Kotetsu, having to deal with the sudden revelation that he has no idea if anything he remembers about his entire life is real and unaltered, or how many of his memories and experiences have been erased, or who he even is, and he never will know any of that or get back anything he lost
Kotetsu of course is all "but I thought you didn't want me around" and there's yelling and crying and then they hug it out. And he gives Barnaby good advice, the right advice, supportive and stepping back, because this is when he gets it, fully 100% consciously realizes how he feels and what he wants, and Bunny just looks so happy and he can't let himself get in the way, mess everything up with his wrong feelings. So he gives the most solid advice yet, and sends him off to have good happy sex with a good guy and fall in love. Then he drinks too much for the first time since Barnaby quit dating, is maudlin and then just sad and possibly talks to Tomoe while fiddling obsessively with his ring, and passes out.
5. Barnaby has the greatest and most perfect date with Dave and doesn't understand his own feelings and goes back to Dave's apartment, fade to black.]]
15.
The shriek of the buzzer tore Kotetsu out of a foggy sleep. For a second he thought it was part of the dream he'd been having--the dream he'd already forgotten--but it kept going, and he staggered out of bed, glancing at the clock. Just past three in the morning.
He assessed himself as he stumbled towards the buzzer: no hangover yet, probably still a little drunk, and no nausea but that uncomfortable sensation of nausea lurking around the corner if he made too many sudden movements. Okay, he could work with this.
He pressed the button and croaked, "What?"
"Let me in," Barnaby said.
Kotetsu buzzed him up and went to wait by the door. A minute later he heard footsteps stopping on the other side, and he opened it.
"What are you doing here? Are you okay?" He didn't look okay. He looked freaked out, and his shirt was all rumpled.
"I had sex with Dave," Barnaby said.
Well, that explained the shirt. Kotetsu opened his mouth but nothing came out at first, because his throat was locking up. If he could have dealt with this in the morning, woken up all the way first, he was sure he would have been able to summon up a more appropriate reaction. Something besides 'gut-punched,' anyway. He took a step back.
"Okay," he said. "That's good, I think."
"But I left."
"Yes. Why...did you do that? Why are you here?"
"Because it was good," Barnaby said, which didn't help. "And it could really work out between us because he's amazing, and sex is amazing, and--"
"I think you should go," Kotetsu said, cutting him off and aware even as he said it that he shouldn't, because there was no good reason for him to say that and he'd have to explain it eventually. But his head was swimming and he felt sick and yeah, it hurt, okay. He was an idiot and it hurt and he'd be happy for Barnaby in the morning but it was three AM, he couldn't be expected--it wasn't fair.
"I can't go," Barnaby said, getting louder. His eyes, which had been wild and kind of crazily bright, narrowed in frustration. "I had to come here because I love you, I just didn't realize until I almost fell in love with someone else, and I know that sounds stupid, and I feel stupid but I don't know how to do any of this anyway and I woke up next to him thinking about you--"
He was all-out yelling now. The door across the hall opened and Mrs. Huynh, who had four tiny dogs and usually adored Kotetsu, stuck her head out. "It's three in the morning," she hissed, and disappeared back inside before slamming the door.
Barnaby flushed, and started to say something else but Kotetsu pulled him inside and closed the door. Neither of them moved, just stood there a foot away from each other and staring, waiting for the next move.
"You said you weren't attracted to me," Kotetsu said. Barnaby rolled his eyes.
"That was what's known as a lie."
The whole world seemed to start melting around him, reforming itself into something new. "You--" He felt a tightness squeezing in his chest. "But now you're telling the truth? Because...you had sex with someone else?"
"Because I didn't know I was in love with you!" Barnaby said, one hand gesturing angrily. "I thought it was just sex, and me being terrible at friendship, and not understanding things, and I was scared and you said you weren't into me and--why are you making me talk about this? Do you even--"
He paused expectantly. Kotetsu still felt frozen, like he might fall over if he moved. Part of that was probably the alcohol, actually.
But then Barnaby sagged, like all the air had been let out of him, and said, "you know what, you were right, I should go," and turned to leave. Kotetsu grabbed him.
"Wait!" he said, and grabbed his other shoulder to be safe. Under his hands he could almost feel a humming, something electrical and alive. Barnaby's mouth was open a little, waiting. "Can I kiss you?"
And now that mouth spread into a smile even as Barnaby snapped, "For god's sake, you don't have to ask."
Kotetsu felt a matching grin spread over his own face. "Well, excuse me for trying to be a gentleman."
Barnaby's hands landed on his arms, holding tight. "Are you even going to--"
He did.
THE END, idk there might have been some sex and/or adorable morning after, but probably not and it's a moot point now.
Okay, that was longer than I remembered so it gets its own post. Next up: Avengers! And probably Teen Wolf in the same post, I don't think any of that stuff was more than a few pages.
Tiger & Bunny: untitled Barnaby/Kotetsu
This was cowritten with
ang, who gave me permission to include it here. It started with a discussion of the ways in which this fan comic (that's a translation with no link to the original artist, unfortunately) is the most perfect and true depiction of Barnaby and Kotetsu's relationship, and also how there should be more romantic comedy in fanfic. Then this happened. I'm not bothering to label who wrote what because it's all over the place, but you'll be able to tell because 1.) her parts are slightly better, and 2.) they sound different, since we were putting off editing until we finished a draft. "Hey, Bunny," Kotetsu said as he sat down across from Barnaby in the cafeteria. "[[invites him someplace]]"
Barnaby glanced up from his food. "I can't," he said. "I have a date."
"Oh," Kotetsu said. "That's cool. I just thought I'd--" he stopped mid-sentence as the rest of what Barnaby had said caught up to his brain. "You have a date?"
Barnaby laughed that smug little one-syllable laugh of his, then said, "Going on a date with someone isn't even the most unbelievable thing I've done this week. I don't see why you're acting so shocked."
"Well, I mean," Kotetsu stalled. "I just sort of thought you didn't. Go on dates."
"Right. I didn't. And then I decided maybe I should, so I called up my PA and now I have a date tonight. This is not a difficult concept."
"You're dating Edith?" Their PA was not exactly date material.
Barnaby set his fork down slowly and deliberately, as though he were collecting himself, before he said, "No. Edith called up somebody else's agent to arrange a date."
"Oh." Kotetsu said, faintly relieved. But, "So you're just going on a date with whoever she sets you up with?" That seemed sort of sad to Kotetsu in the same way that the lack of furniture in Barnaby's apartment was sort of sad.
"She's one of the professional dancers on that show where they make washed up celebrities and retired athletes learn how to ballroom dance," Barnaby said, then added, "I'm sure you're at least academically familiar with blind dates."
"That's different. You're supposed to date someone because you have things in common and like each other. So your friends set you up with someone they think will have a lot in common with you, or will be your type. This is just your PA setting you up with someone to be seen in public with for your career."
Barnaby's eyes narrowed.
"What? I've been in this business long enough to know some people's agents do that sort of thing."
"Look, I wanted to go on a date, so now I'm going on one," Barnaby said, with a finality that made it clear that was the last he was going to say on the matter.
Kotetsu decided not to push it. "Well. Good luck, then, I guess."
*
The next morning they had a photo shoot, a morning talk show, and a hostage situation before he got a chance to ask Barnaby how it went.
"Not well." Barnaby frowned and poured some more ranch dressing on his salad. "She had no sense of humor."
"Huh," Kotetsu said. "I wouldn't have guessed that would be a dealbreaker for you."
"Apparently so." More ranch. Kotetsu glanced at his second hot dog, still waiting for condiments, and considered the possibilities. No, that was a terrible idea.
"Well," he said, "this is what I was talking about, you know, going on dates arranged by your PA."
"No, I don't think that's the problem," Barnaby said. "Anyway, she already got me a second date tonight."
"What, already? She works fast." Kotetsu had been about to invite himself over for a marathon of [[whatever violent homoromantic action fluff people watch in this universe instead of cop movies. Spy movies?]]. Barnaby claimed not to like them, so Kotetsu always brought classier beer to make up for it. Still, a good friend didn't get between his pal and the ladies.
"Okay," he said, "so who are you going out with this time?"
"A lingerie model," Barnaby said. Kotetsu almost choked on his hot dog. "Her name's Vitoria, she's Brazilian. Edith said she's very well read."
"Edith never sets me up on dates with Brazilian lingerie models!"
"Well, women Vitoria's age aren't really attracted to elderly single fathers. Usually," Barnaby added, glancing toward the other heroes at the next table for some reason. "It's not like in the movies, you know."
"Elderly?" he protested. "That's a little strong. I call it being in my prime of manhood." He frowned. "What is Vitoria's age, anyhow?"
"Nineteen," Barnaby said, and Kotetsu's bite of hot dog went down the wrong way again. "Honestly, I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this. I'm just trying to be as efficient as--Kotetsu? Kotetsu?"
He ended up having to do the Heimlich. The hot dog chunk landed in his salad, touching down into the ranch dressing with a little plop. Someone started applauding.
"You know," Kotetsu said, between coughs, "you put way too much dressing on that. It's not even healthy anymore."
Barnaby glared past his shoulder. "I'm not talking to you."
"But we have a CD signing this afternoon! We have to have cute banter!"
"I'm not talking to you until then," Barnaby said, and went to get another salad.
*
Vitoria didn't work out either. Barnaby told him about it the next night, having taken a break from his suddenly jam-packed social life to continue his ongoing attempt at teaching Kotetsu to make a stir-fry. The lessons were always an adventure, because Barnaby didn't really know how to cook either, but he claimed to be tired of fried rice. As if anyone could get tired of fried rice.
"She was too tall," Barnaby said, slicing a carrot into matchsticks so thin they bordered on invisible. "And too pretty. Wash your hands after handling raw chicken, you're going to cross-contaminate everything."
"Too pretty? How can a woman be too pretty?" He reached for the faucet. "Too tall, I guess, okay, if you're not really into legs--"
"Don't touch the faucet!" Barnaby snapped. Kotetsu froze with his hands hovering in the air.
"Why? Is it broken? Will it explode?"
Barnaby just stared at him. "I am genuinely amazed you've survived this long on your own," he said. "Use your elbow, otherwise you'll just get bacteria on your hands again when you turn it off. And I like...legs just fine. She was just too tall. It was weird."
"You're weird," Kotetsu said, and banged his elbow hard on the edge of the sink. The hopping around and swearing that followed got his raw-chicken hands all over pretty much everything in the kitchen, including Barnaby's shirt, and Kotetsu was banished to the other side of the room, which was usually how the cooking lessons ended.
[[...]]
"But seriously," he said, "how can a woman you're on a date with be too pretty? How is that even a problem?"
"I don't know! It was just--unsettling. And anyway, really pretty people are always so sensitive about their looks. Don't you find that offputting?"
Kotetsu put his drink down and stared. Barnaby was shaking the wok a little more vigorously than seemed necessary. "Did you insult her looks? Bunny, tell me you didn't--you did. You totally insulted your date."
"It wasn't an insult!" A piece of asparagus went flying. "It was constructive criticism."
"Oh no." Something occurred to him. "Did you give your first date any constructive criticism? The dancer with no sense of humor?"
"Well--"
Kotetsu dropped his head into his hands.
"I may have commented on her career choices," Barnaby said. "As a disinterested observer. That show is just so tacky."
"Oh god," Kotetsu said. "Bunny, these are your dates we're talking about. You can't talk to them like--like the way you talk to me. You're going to make people hate you. I mean," he added quickly, noticing the way Barnaby's eyebrows were drawing together, "it's fine when it's us, because I know you, and you're pretty funny when you're being a total bitch. But it doesn't make for a good first impression."
"I wasn't talking to them like they were you," Barnaby said. He sounded confused by the very idea. "I was just trying to tell them about their problems."
"Oh. Well...maybe don't do that next time."
*
Edith apparently agreed with Kotetsu on the topic of Barnaby's dating prowess, because when he called her up a few days later to see if she could schedule another date, she let out a long, heavy sigh. "Mr. Brooks, at this rate I'm quickly going to reach the point that no one else's people are going to talk to me."
"It's been two dates. Two. There are more than two agents in the Gold Stage alone."
"Given your previous... incidents, maybe it would be best if this time we went with someone already inclined to like you."
Barnaby sat back in his chair and turned on his TV. "You mean... a fan?"
"I'm not suggesting you make a love connection with a random fan off the street. But Amy Park has a new movie coming out, and she's mentioned being one of your supporters in the past. I wouldn't get your hopes up, but I'll see what I can do."
"What genre?" Barnaby asked in spite of himself.
"Comedies, for the most part. I don't imagine many of them would be to your taste," Edith said. Barnaby was pretty sure he ought to feel somewhat insulted by that, but he couldn't quite put his finger on why, and before he could respond, Edith had carried on. "She's a bit older than you, however. Is that going to be a problem?"
"Uh." Barnaby wasn't actually sure. "How much older?"
"I believe she's 32, although she may have recently turned 33. I'm not particularly close to her people and I'm terrible with birthdays."
"I think that's probably okay," Barnaby said.
"Probably?" Edith replied. "I don't want to get a call from Ben Perkins next week telling me you made his star client feel like an old maid. You better be sure."
"33 isn't that much older than me, Edith. It's fine."
*
[[Ang's postscript to this section: "In my head she is basically cameron diaz. IT IS THE ACTUAL WORST DATE OF ALL TIME." Barnaby calls Kotetsu from the bathroom begging for a rescue call, which he tells Amy is from an unidentified close friend going into labor, and the next day the tabloids are full of Blue Rose's secret pregnancy scandal. This is how everybody else gets involved.]]
4.
"Come on, no details at all? You can't cut me off like that," Kotetsu said. They were both working on the pec decks, side by side, and Barnaby was refusing to dish.
"It's none of your business," he said shortly. "I don't know why you're taking such an unhealthy interest in my love life, anyway."
"Because it's hilarious?" Antonio said, from the bench where he was doing chest presses.
"It really is," Nathan agreed, rowing steadily on the rowing machine. "You're so endearingly awful at romance. It's like watching a puppy try to catch a butterfly."
"That is a ridiculous comparison," Barnaby said, and shot Kotetsu an icy look as he snickered.
The sliding doors opened suddenly to reveal Karina standing there, looking furious.
"You!" she yelled, pointing at Barnaby. She stalked over to him before he could disentangle his arms from the machine. "You absolute jerk!"
"Uh--" Barnaby shot Kotetsu a pleading glance. Kotetsu just raised his eyebrows. Served him right for not sharing with his best friend first.
"I know you're terrible with women," Karina said, her finger still jabbing at his face, "but making a girl cry? She won't even tell me what you said to her!"
Nathan gasped. "Oh, for shame!"
"First those stupid rumors in the tabloids, and now this? You've got my stylist so depressed she had to call in her assistant to cover my makeup and hair today. It's going to look so bad!"
"I'm sure it won't--"
Her next finger jab made contact with his chest, pushing him back and making him wince. "That's not the point! Stephanie's my friend, and you hurt her!"
"I didn't mean to!" He'd got himself free of the arm-hold thingies and now he stood up, forcing Karina to back off a little. Just a little, though. He was glaring, hackles up--he hated being accused of anything--but he looked sad, too. He really hadn't meant to, Kotetsu was certain, and wished he could figure out how to help.
"Well, you did," Karina said. "I hope you're proud of yourself." She turned around and stalked away, but paused at the door and looked back over her shoulder. "And she wants her jacket back!"
"Her ja--" Barnaby blinked, his mouth stuck open for a second. "I think the restaurant has it?"
"You left it there? Your date forgot her jacket and you just left it?" Karina looked like she was about to walk back across the room just to slap him. Kotetsu tensed to get up and come between them if necessary, but she just shook her head. "You're a real stand-up guy, aren't you, Barnaby?"
The doors whooshed shut behind her.
"Well," Kotetsu said, "that was dramatic!" Everyone glared at him. "What? It was!"
"I didn't mean to make her cry," Barnaby said quietly. He sat back down, looking lost.
Kotetsu wanted to pat his shoulder or something, but figured he probably wouldn't appreciate it in front of other people. He also desperately wanted to know what the hell Barnaby had said to that poor girl, but that definitely wouldn't go over well.
"Well," he said, "you know, some...I mean..." He gestured meaningfully, and glanced at the other two with pleading eyes. Antonio seemed to be even more awkwardly uncomfortable than Kotetsu felt--he'd gone back to his lifting, watching the bar intently and going too fast--and Nathan just looked fascinated. Clearly no help there.
"It'll go better next time," he said, finally. Nathan rolled his eyes and mouthed, really? Kotetsu made a face at him and focused on Barnaby, waiting for him to look up and smiling when he did. "It will! I promise."
"You can't possibly promise that," Barnaby said, sharp and irritated, but he was smiling back, just the littlest bit.
[[next section contains a noncon kiss]]
5.
"Wait," Barnaby said, not sure if he'd heard her right. "You're a lesbian?"
Lara's hand flew to her mouth. "Oh crap, sorry, I fell out of character. Just ignore that, and let's pick up where we left off."
"Out of character?" Judging by how stiff she'd been all evening, her story about meeting her ex-girlfriend at a love-in on the lawn outside City Hall was the first in-character thing she'd said to him. Maybe she was trying to stay closeted.
"Stop talking about it!" She glared at him. "I'm trying to get back into my heterosexual headspace. You should give it a try," she added. "If you always act this uninterested in beautiful women, no wonder your agent thinks you need more practice."
"Practice? Headspace? What are you talking about?" Barnaby pushed his chair back, metal squealing against wood, and stood up. "Is this some kind of joke?"
Her eyes widened. "You mean...oh my god. Your agent didn't tell you?"
"She's my personal assistant, not my agent!" People were starting to turn and stare at them. He sat down and lowered his voice. "And she just told me she'd found another date for me." Though her tone had been suspiciously light over the phone. Edith never sounded that pleased with life.
"Oh, no." Lara dropped her head into her hands, sighing. "Well, this is a mess."
"Could you try explaining it to me?"
"Well..." She took another sip from her wineglass, then appeared to reconsider and drained it. "I'm an actress."
"I thought you were a college student."
"No, I'm playing a college student. A heterosexual college student on a thrilling date full of sexual tension. That's what I'm practicing, sexual tension."
There was probably some response to that statement that didn't involve silent, confused staring, but Barnaby wasn't quite there yet.
Lara, meanwhile, seemed to be warming to her topic. "See, chemistry is such a big part of acting, and I know you don't actually need to be attracted to the person playing your love interest, and actually it would be kind of creepy if you were, but you have to have that chemistry onscreen, you know? And I figure, why not take any advantage I can get, so I had my friend set me up with her agent so she could find me some men to practice on. I'm really into method," she added, which was apparently supposed to mean something.
Barnaby rallied himself somewhat. "If you're an actress," he said, "haven't you done romantic scenes with men before?"
She shook her head. "I do underground all-female experimental protest theater, mostly. I'm just trying to break into TV and film for the money. A girl's got to settle down sometime."
"And so you...went on a fake date." This seemed like a good moment to drain his own wineglass.
"Right! I wanted the whole situation to be right so I could find that genuine heterosexual moment to bring to my performances." Suddenly she frowned again, her brow crinkling. "But you were supposed to know what was going on, so you could play along! I thought that was why you were here."
"To...find my heterosexual moment?"
She shrugged. "You're like the only celebrity in Sternbild whose wild sex adventures never make the gossip blogs. I thought you were trying to stop people thinking you were gay. Are you gay?"
"No!" There was a muffled titter from somewhere behind him; he made himself lower his voice again. "I--" This probably wasn't a good place to get into details. "I'm not gay," he said firmly, and quietly.
"Really?" She leaned a little closer, peering at him like some kind of specimen under a glass. "Huh, all right. But you certainly aren't into me. And I'm pretty hot."
She was right, he had to admit, on both counts. She was hot, and he'd barely noticed. Probably he hadn't been attracted to her because he'd sensed she was lying. That was obviously why the whole evening had felt so awkward and distant, like half of him was somewhere else, talking to someone else.
He realized he was crumpling his napkin in his lap, pulling it back and forth, and forced his hands to let go. "I suppose we both might as well go home now," he said. "There doesn't seem to be much point in continuing this charade."
"Yeah, all right," Lara said, "but first let me kiss you."
"What?"
"Just because your night was a waste doesn't mean mine has to be! I need the practice." She gave him a bright smile, a wheedling note slipping into her voice. For some inexplicable reason, Barnaby found it sort of appealing. "Come on, please?"
"I don't think that's a good idea," he said, but she was already talking over him.
"And don't just sit there like a dead fish, okay? Pretend we're making a movie, get into it a little bit. You did say you're not gay, right?"
"I'm not, but that doesn't--"
"I really appreciate it," she said, and pulled him across the table.
It was less than terrible--she was attractive, and pleasantly aggressive--and only the smell of smoke eventually stopped him, when his shirt caught on fire from the votive candle trapped between them.
On his way home, dressed in a waiter's spare t-shirt, Barnaby decided Kotetsu didn't need to hear about a lesbian having to tear off his clothing in the middle of a crowded restaurant. Unfortunately this resolve didn't survive a second glass of wine the next evening.
*
"I think," Barnaby told him, "that it was the best date yet."
They were in Barnaby's apartment, stretched out on the floor even though Barnaby had a real couch now, looking out his giant window at the city doing its thing and having a drink. They were pretty much always having a drink, lately. Kotetsu wondered if he was turning Barnaby into an alcoholic. To be fair, though, the guy's life had been pretty stressful lately--although at the moment, he sounded less stressed out than he had since this whole dating thing started.
"Really?" Kotetsu eyed him, but there was no sign of sarcasm. And he'd been in a surprisingly good mood since Kotetsu showed up at his door. "That's great! So you'll be seeing her again?"
"Oh, no." He shook his head. "No, she's a lesbian."
"She's a lesbian?" Kotetsu repeated, clearly having lost the thread somewhere.
"But a great kisser," Barnaby added.
"That's...nice?"
Barnaby smiled. "You know, I think I really liked her. If she hadn't been gay and I hadn't caught on fire, it might have gone somewhere."
All the city lights laid out below them were reflected onto his face, and he was smiling like he wanted to laugh--maybe even at himself--and his jaw wasn't clenched and his shoulders weren't curled in tight. Kotetsu decided not to question it.
"I'm glad you had a good time," he said, and clinked their glasses together.
6.
Barnaby had thought the sixth date going pretty well -- okay, maybe not well, but passably. His date, an engineer at Helios whom he gathered was a friend of Nathan's assistant, was pleasant enough, moderately attractive, and was probably the first person he'd dated he was reasonably sure was smarter than him. Which was interesting.
They had gone to a nice, but not too nice, restaurant for dinner, and while there hadn't really been a spark, it wasn't a complete disaster either. She didn't creep him out or offend his personal sensibilities; he didn't make her cry, or accidentally insult every one of her major life choices. Barnaby was aware that his bar for success was pretty low, but he'd actually begun to feel the beginnings of personal satisfaction -- he wasn't completely horrible at this.
Until-- "And then," Barnaby said in the general direction of the bottle of terrible watery beer he held in his hands, "she said that she'd been under the impression -- from Nathan's assistant, I guess -- that I needed direct, detailed feedback on this sort of thing, and that in her opinion I came across as 'standoffish and weird.'"
Kotetsu sat down next to him on the couch, holding a slice of cold, leftover pizza. Barnaby hadn't realized actual adults ate cold leftover pizza until he'd started hanging out with Kotetsu. "Bunny," Kotetsu said, "I say this with love, but you kind of are standoffish and weird."
Barnaby took a sip of the shitty beer and winced. He had to be pretty drunk already before Kotetsu's beer was palatable. He set the bottle down on the coffee table. "I guess," he said. "But who even says that?" He looked back over at Kotetsu, who was still holding his slice of pizza in one hand, and added, "And do you not believe in plates?"
"Plates are for losers," Kotetsu said matter-of-factly and took another bite of his pizza. He'd mostly finished chewing before he continued. "And I'm pretty sure you would say something like that. Under the guise of constructive feedback, even."
Somehow, Barnaby couldn't work up the righteous indignation to kick Kotetsu in the shins in response. Even though he deserved it. "I just thought I was actually doing okay for once," Barnaby said. "But apparently she has literally never been on a date with someone who seemed to want to be there less. And she had this whole thing about people who say 'literally' when they mean 'figuratively,' so I don't think she was exaggerating."
"Did you?" Kotetsu asked as he gingerly set his half-eaten piece of pizza down on a napkin. A plate would have been better, Barnaby observed.
"Did I what?"
"Want to be there," Kotetsu clarified. "It sounds like you're more upset that your date didn't go well than that your date with her didn't go well, you know?"
"I don't even know why I keep coming to you for advice," Barnaby snapped. "Have you even been on a date in the last decade?"
Barnaby immediately felt sort of shitty for asking it -- or at least for asking it that way. And the longer Kotetsu took to respond, the shittier he felt. He kind of wanted to take it back, but at the same time, Barnaby felt like his point was valid, even if maybe he could have been a little more tactful about it. And anyway, it was Kotetsu, who was used to Barnaby being kind of a jerk.
After what seemed like at least a minute, but was probably just a few seconds longer than it usually took Kotetsu to reply to Barnaby's scathing wit, Kotetsu said, slowly, "Yeah. A few."
That sort of surprised Barnaby, who had just imagined Kotetsu hadn't been interested at all after his wife died. It was one of the few ways Kotetsu's inability to recognize when attractive people were hitting on him made sense to Barnaby.
"Okay," Barnaby said, "But have you been on any second dates? Because if not, you're not really in any sort of position to be giving me advice."
Kotetsu reached across Barnaby to grab the beer from the coffee table and take a surprisingly long drink. "Hey!" Barnaby protested.
"You weren't going to drink any more of it," Kotetsu replied, and set the bottle down next to his pizza.
"I would be drinking that right now if you bought less shitty beer," Barnaby said. He sank back into the couch a little, aware he was probably sulking. Being aware of it was somehow not enough to make him actually stop.
"Look," Kotetsu said. "I'm probably only going to actually be able to tell you this once." Kotetsu was looking at him with this weirdly concerned expression. Barnaby usually only saw that one when Kotetsu thought he was injured or something. It was strange to see it in the context of Kotetsu's living room. "If the only reason you want to keep dating a person is 'I just don't want to be alone anymore,' you probably shouldn't be dating them."
Oh.
Before Barnaby really had a chance to process that, Kotetsu stood up and started heading back in the direction of the kitchen.
"Wait," Barnaby said, sitting up a little straighter. He wasn't really sure where he was going with this.
Kotetsu stopped and turned to look at Barnaby expectantly.
"Where are you--" Barnaby began, but Kotetsu cut him off.
"I'm getting a plate," Kotetsu said. And then added, "And I think I've got some of that fancy crap you like hiding around here somewhere."
"Oh," Barnaby said, and sank back into the couch again. "Thanks."
7.
"I don't think this is working out," Barnaby said. He was curled up at one corner of Kotetsu's couch, taking tiny but frequent sips of his wine, which he'd had to pour into a drinking glass printed with the smiling face of [[some fast food mascot who is a cartoon animal with a stupid alliterative name]].
His date that night had run to the bathroom less than an hour into dinner, then come back out and gotten an "emergency" phone call a few minutes later. Kotetsu had to admit that this was probably karmic justice, but Barnaby seemed pretty broken up about it, so he hadn't pointed that out.
He felt on reasonably safe ground, however, nodding his agreement from his spot on the floor. "It really isn't."
"I just don't understand why dating is so difficult for me!" He took another, bigger sip. "People do this every day, don't they? It can't possibly be that complicated. It shouldn't be giving me so much trouble."
He sounded frustrated, like he always did when a plan got thrown off course. Kotetsu sat up and moved closer. "Do you really want to be going on all these dates? I mean, maybe that's not the right thing for you right now." Why saying that should make him feel suddenly warm and nervous inside, he had no idea. He was just trying to be supportive, after all. "Maybe you just need some time to be by yourself, figure things out."
"You keep asking me that," Barnaby snapped. "Like you think I don't know what I want. But I spent a year figuring things out! Without you, or--or anyone. I don't want to be by myself, I want--" He cut himself off, his gaze dropping to his hands. One of which was still wrapped around his glass, a little (a lot) more tightly than necessary. Kotetsu looked up at him and waited, feeling breathless for no reason at all.
"I'm 26 years old," Barnaby said finally. "It's appropriate for me to enter into some romantic relationships. And there's no reason I can't excel at it."
"Except your personality," Kotetsu said. Barnaby kicked him, and the weird moment passed. He took a drink from his own glass (a plastic Wild Tiger novelty tumbler, from some merchandise campaign a few years ago).
"Maybe I should try dating men," Barnaby said, tilting his glass thoughtfully. Kotetsu didn't actually choke on his wine, which was good since that kind of thing was getting to be a regular habit around Barnaby and his dating adventures. But he definitely felt some go up his nose.
Barnaby frowned at him. "What? It seems like the logical next step. Maybe men won't be so...complicated. I mean, emotionally. It could be a lot simpler all around."
"Okay, first of all," Kotetsu said, then paused to grab some tissues from the coffee table and de-wine his nostrils. "First of all, you can't possibly actually believe that, because I know for a fact you've met Nathan. Second of all, I'm pretty sure the only valid reason for dating guys is because you're attracted to guys."
"Well, yes," Barnaby said, "obviously that too."
Kotetsu stared up at him. "You are? Really?"
"Yes, really," Barnaby said. He drew himself up more stiffly. "Is that a problem?"
"No, of course not." He could tell he didn't sound very convincing. "You just never said anything."
"Well, I didn't realize it was such a big deal. I would have made sure to inform you when we were made partners if I'd known you'd be so bothered by it."
"I'm not--it's not--" He gave up, scrubbed a hand over his face before looking back up. "I'm that way too, okay? So I don't care or anything. I was just surprised."
Barnaby's eyes widened. "You are? But you were married."
"And you just went on seven dates with seven different beautiful women."
He tilted his head in concession. "True."
"So...yeah." Kotetsu shifted a little. It felt kind of unsettling now to be sitting on the floor at Barnaby's feet. He'd just ended up there somehow. "I guess we've established that now."
"That we're both bisexual?" Barnaby leaned over to set his glass on the coffee table, swooping closer to Kotetsu as he moved, just a few inches away. Then he settled back on the couch and stretched out his legs. "Yes, it seems we have."
It was almost like watching a nature documentary, the way Barnaby's legs unfolded--here we see the nesting habits of the wild Barnaby Brooks, Jr. in a rare moment of chilling out. Note the graceful extension of the rear limbs. And he must have taken his shoes off sometime because he was barefoot. His feet were kind of knobby-looking, with really clean toenails. Kotetsu looked at his own glass, and the empty bottle next to it, and wondered if this evening was about to go someplace weird.
"Kind of a funny coincidence, huh? Us both being into guys?" Wait, that sounded wrong. "Not that I, I'm not trying to hit on you or anything."
"Well, good."
"Just, you know, what are the odds--hey!" Kotetsu scowled. Barnaby wasn't looking at him--he was staring intently at his hands again. He was flushed, too. Probably from the wine; that second glass he'd set down was almost empty. And it was a pretty tall glass.
"Statistically," Barnaby said, "it's not that unlikely. And what are you so upset about?"
"It's a little rude to act like it's some huge relief for me not to be hitting on you!"
"Why? I think it's a good thing that we don't have that kind of tension between us. Anyway, why would you care? You did just say you weren't interested in me. So it shouldn't matter to you what I think."
Kotetsu couldn't find a flaw in that argument, but it didn't feel quite right somehow. "I--"
Barnaby sat up and leaned a little closer, meeting his eyes. "Unless you really were coming on to me, and just trying to deny it?" He had that intense pin-you-in-place gaze going on, like he got when he was really angry, or when Kotetsu got hurt fighting. It felt strange to have it focused on him while talking about--this.
"I," Kotetsu said again, and gave himself a little shake. "Of course I wasn't! Don't be crazy, Bunny."
"Oh," Barnaby said, and looked down. "Good. And just for the record, I'm totally not into you either."
"Good!" Kotetsu said. "That would be really awkward, you being into me when I'm not into you."
"Definitely awkward. I'm glad we could avoid that."
"Definitely," Kotetsu agreed. They sat in silence for a while.
"But," Barnaby said, when Kotetsu went to the kitchen counter for another slice of pizza, "I think if I ask Edith again, she'll just laugh at me. Or do something worse."
"Yeah, and when she gets annoyed at you, she takes it out on me," Kotetsu said, around a bite of pizza. "She sent me to get my legs waxed after the last one and told me I was there for a haircut. I barely escaped with my life." In fact it hadn't been just his legs--there had been strong words about the importance of matching swimsuits, as if anyone actually wanted to buy a two-page spread of Wild Tiger wearing a green Speedo--but he wasn't going to mention that part. To anyone. Ever.
"Waxing's not that bad. And it's a popular look. You should consider it a favor."
Kotetsu narrowed his eyes, not that it did much good since Barnaby was facing the other way. "Bunny. Do not ask Edith. We'll find you someone."
"That hasn't worked out so well the last few times, though, has it?" His voice sounded smaller. "I don't think I'm good at this."
Kotetsu frowned and put the pizza slice down and went over to Barnaby, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, stop that."
"Stop what?" Barnaby looked up at him, eyes a little wide. "Stop realistically assessing my performance?"
"You can totally be good at this!" Kotetsu squeezed his shoulder for emphasis. "You are good at this. You always say the right things in interviews and you're good with fans and everyone likes you. There's no reason you can't be the best date ever. You just need to quit overthinking it."
"It's not the same," Barnaby insisted, but he seemed a little less depressed. There was another long, quiet moment, before Kotetsu remembered to move his hand.
Barnaby sighed a little. "There's still the issue of finding someone, though. I suppose keeping this private is out of the question."
"Private went out the window when you got Blue Rose's secret baby in all the tabloids," Kotetsu said. "Everybody's interested now. Nathan will flip when he finds out you like guys. Oh, you could ask him, I'm sure he knows people."
Barnaby shook his head. "I think I burned that bridge," he said. "His friend hated me."
"Nah, you're still in, it's not like you made her cry or anything," Kotetsu said with a grin, and didn't bother dodging Barnaby's half-hearted shove. "And he likes you, 'Handsome.'"
"I'm not trying to date him!"
Kotetsu settled on the other end of the couch, nudging at Barnaby's feet until he lifted them. "That's good. Office romances never work out."
"No," Barnaby said, setting his feet back down on Kotetsu's lap. "No, they don't, do they?"
8.
"All right," Nathan said, finally, "all right, I'll give you his number. But I want you to know, Handsome, I'm doing this against my better judgment."
"I...won't let you down?" Barnaby hadn't really expected Nathan to agree to supply him with another date; he'd only asked because he really didn't know where else to start.
"Just don't break his heart," Nathan said. Barnaby's phone buzzed as he texted his friend's information over. "And you know where to come afterward if he breaks yours."
To Kotetsu's place, usually, Barnaby didn't say. Not that any of the women he'd gone out with so far had left him heartbroken, or anything more than confused and frustrated, but that was probably where he'd go anyway. Things made more sense there.
"Thanks," he said, sliding his phone back into his pocket.
[[which is as far as I got on this date. basically: things happen, one or more people have feelings. then we move on to the lightning round.]]
9.
"What are you supposed to do when your date starts touching you with his feet under the table?"
"Uh." Kotetsu paused in the middle of his [[...]]. "Was he touching you in an inappropriate area? Or just playing footsie?"
"I guess the latter." He frowned. "Is that what it's called?"
"Yes," Kotetsu said, with a sinking feeling (while simultaneously trying to hold back a smile, which made for an odd sensation). "Did you...not know that?"
Barnaby looked stricken. "I kicked him back."
10.
The day after his tenth date, Barnaby didn't want to talk about it at all. Kotetsu should have left well enough alone, but he was going out of his mind imagining what bizarre new way Barnaby had found to ruin things that was too terrible to even talk about. So he took him out for drinks.
"I tried to be more sexually aggressive," Barnaby confessed two [[drinks...of some kind]] later, hunched over the bar. Just saying it made him look miserable. Hearing it didn't feel too great, either.
Kotetsu held up a hand. "Let's just let this one go," he said, and ordered another round.
11.
Barnaby called him at quarter to nine.
"I told him his table manners were disgusting," he said. "And then I left."
"His table manners?"
"I could hear him chewing!" He grimaced. "It was unbearable. I couldn't even finish my sole. Have you eaten yet? You should make me some fried rice. I'll be over in thirty minutes."
12.
"Has anyone ever asked if they can touch your hero suit?"
They were sitting at their desks, plowing through paperwork. Barnaby shifted uncomfortably as he spoke.
"What, like little kids?" Kotetsu said. "Once or twice, I guess."
"No," Barnaby said, and made a face. "Not like little kids. Like..." He paused, searching for words. "Sexually."
"What, no, that's--Oh my god, your guy last night. Did he want--"
"With me wearing it."
"Oh my god, that's so freaky!"
"I know!"
13.
"You're right," Barnaby said when Kotetsu opened the door. "I don't want to keep doing this." It was a relief to say it. He felt suddenly lighter.
Kotetsu's eyes widened as Barnaby strode past him. "Was it that bad this time?"
"No." He tossed his jacket over the sofa. "He was perfectly normal and I was perfectly nice and nothing went wrong, and it was boring and stupid and pointless. I'm sick of putting myself through this. I give up." He fell back onto the couch with a grand arms-spread-wide gesture, bouncing a little when he hit the cushions. Kotetsu was watching him, eyes still wide and mouth open a little, looking like he wasn't sure if it was safe to approach. Barnaby frowned. "What?"
Kotetsu's glance flicked up and down, looking him over. "Are you...all right?"
"I'm fine. I'm great. I feel better than I've felt in months."
"Yeah, I can see that." He moved closer and sat down next to him, making the cushions dip. "You're pretty drunk, huh?"
"No," Barnaby said, indignantly. "I am not drunk. There was just nothing else to do during all the awkward silences. Those never used to bother me, before all this started. Before I met you I never felt awkward. It's a horrible feeling. I hate it."
Maybe he had had a little too much, to be talking like this, but mostly, he suspected, it was Kotetsu. Being around him, being in his home--he made it too easy to just say things, to stop being careful. That was the whole problem, of course; this whole mess was Kotetsu's fault.
"I don't want to talk about feelings," Barnaby said. Kotetsu nodded and patted him on the shoulder.
"Got it," he said. "No feelings tonight."
"Get me a beer," Barnaby said. "And one for yourself. It's sad to drink alone."
"I'm getting worried about your liver," Kotetsu said, shaking his head, but he went.
They didn't talk about feelings. They didn't talk much at all, mostly. Kotetsu put on a DVD--Barnaby was expecting the next installment of Secret Bullet or Classified!, but it was some old science fiction thing: good and evil, a quest for adventure, spaceships and robots and ray guns. Kotetsu sat back down next to him and they drank and watched. Gradually Barnaby started tipping over a little, leaning on Kotetsu's shoulder, but he didn't seem to mind. Eventually he closed his eyes. The sounds of the movie washed over him, mixing with the steady whir-hum of Kotetsu's breath to settle warm and soft around his body, like a blanket.
The last thing he felt was a warm hand stroking his back, up and down, slow and steady like a rolling wave. For a moment it reminded him of his mother, but he was too tired to lose himself in memory, and really it just felt like Kotetsu. He let himself sleep.
*
His leg was asleep.
There was something heavy in his lap, and his back hurt almost as much as his head, and his leg was asleep. Kotetsu woke up abruptly, aware of these three things, and it took him almost a minute to put them together and remember why he was twisted sideways, half-upright, and drooling on the arm of his couch while something heavy made soft whuffling sleep noises in his lap and occasionally murmured something unintelligible.
It was Barnaby, of course--Barnaby's head cutting off his circulation, and Barnaby who'd showed up at his place already drunk and spent the next two hours soaking up liquor like a sponge while Kotetsu first tried to keep pace and then just watched and worried.
He'd be worried again in a second--for both their hangovers, if nothing else--but when he sat up a little and turned his head and saw Barnaby asleep in his lap, face smushed against his leg and breathing through his mouth and his face relaxed, looking so young, at first all he could feel was warm, and good. It had been good last night, too, even though Barnaby had been sort of scaring him. Feeling him get heavier as he drifted off, rubbing his back the way he'd used to do to Kaede years ago to soothe her back to sleep--it had been like when Tomoe used to fall asleep sometimes when he was giving her a backrub, or when they were kissing sleepily in bed after a long day and her movements would slow, and slow, until she just drifted off in his arms.
It had felt almost hypnotic, and Barnaby had been so warm. For a split second Kotetsu started to reach for him to stroke his hair, push it back from his face a little, and then realized what he was doing. What he was thinking.
He rubbed his hands briskly over his face, wincing when it made his headache flare up even worse, and carefully wormed his way out from under Barnaby--more wincing, as the pins and needles started to stab harder--and set his head gently back down. An abortive attempt at stretching sent his lower back into spasms, so he gave it up and hobbled toward the kitchen for a couple liters of water. He poured a glass for Barnaby too, who probably felt even worse, or would whenever he woke up.
Somewhere around the third gulp of water, he became aware of a desperate need to pee. He took the short distance to the bathroom at an all-out run, and by the time he returned, Barnaby was stirring on the couch, slowly pushing himself upright.
[[so...this scene ends, somehow, and Barnaby goes on a dating hiatus and his mood improves dramatically, and he and Kotetsu spend a lot of time together having stargazing picnics (just like in the credits!) and general relaxed happy friendship time, and also sexual tension, and everyone is full of feelings and confusion. Also they drink a lot less, and Barnaby develops an extreme fondness for root beer.
Then there is Dave, who is Ang's invention and sadly most of his scenes never got written but I love him a lot.]]
14.
[[Dave Alvarez – Justice Bureau IT guy – putting new software for doing damage/whatever reports electronically on people's computers, teaching people how to use it. Probably complains about Judge Petrov being a massive Luddite about it. Kotetsu is doing some interview with some magazine for older ladies (he is very popular with the older housewife type crowd now that he has the flimsiest secret identity ever. It is very weird for everyone involved.)]]
"Hey, Brooks, can I ask you a question?" Alvarez asked.
Barnaby smirked. "Aside from the one you just asked?"
Alvarez rolled his eyes. "Nah. It's just that we haven't been hearing any Barnaby Brooks Dating Disaster Stories lately. Did you finally find someone it worked out with or something?"
Barnaby blinked, finding himself feeling faintly betrayed. "Tiger's been blabbing that stuff?" he asked before he could stop himself.
"What?" Alvarez said. "Oh, no. I did an internship at Helios, and I'm pretty sure your leak is Fire Emblem. They definitely sound like Fire Emblem stories to me, anyway."
"Well," Barnaby said as icily as he could muster, "I'm sorry you haven't been able to laugh at my expense as much recently." Who the hell even was this guy?
Alvarez sighed and rubbed awkwardly at the back of his neck. "This is coming out wrong."
Barnaby tapped his pen on his desk and favored Alvarez with what he thought of as his most witheringly impatient look. His 'you just wasted three minutes of my life' look. It didn't feel particularly convincing today, since he was trying to overcome the twin obstacles of being both embarrassed as hell and kind of offended.
"'Cause I was sort of trying to find out if you were seeing anyone," Alvarez said. "And if you're not, I was wondering if you'd like to, um. Go get some coffee or something sometime."
Barnaby stopped tapping his pen on the desk. "Did you just segue into asking me on a date from 'So, Barnaby, I hear you're terrible at dating'?" he asked incredulously. "Because I think that is actually the least charming thing anyone has ever said to me. And I work with Wild Tiger so the bar is pretty high." He reconsidered his choice of words for a moment, and quickly amended, "Low."
"Yeah, it was a lot smoother in my head."
Barnaby supposed Alvarez was sort of cute when he was flustered anyway. His ears blushed. "If you've heard so many of these wildly exaggerated tales of my social awkwardness, why would you ask me out? You can't possibly be under the impression you'd enjoy yourself."
Alvarez shrugged. "You know what you look like," he said simply. "And I figure worst case scenario, I get a good bad date story to tell at parties." He paused for a moment, glancing off to the side in thought, clearly having some sort of internal debate, before he added, almost begrudgingly. "And Ramamurthy in Accounting double dog dared me." Alvarez actually had the gall to smile a little self-deprecatingly at that. He had a really nice smile.
"Well," Barnaby said, setting his pen down and spinning his chair back to face his desk. "I can't possibly be worse at this than you are." He clicked an icon on his desktop and brought up his calendar. "When do you get off work Thursday?"
"What." Alvarez said after a moment. Then, "Wait. Seriously? That worked?"
Barnaby didn't favor him with a direct answer to his question. "I'm going to assume meeting at [coffee shop] at five-thirty Thursday is good for you. If I'm more than five minutes late, assume I'm fighting crime and won't make it."
"Yeah," Alvarez said, sounding a little dazed. "Okay. That's good."
*
[[Okay so then this entire large and important part is unwritten. But planned! It goes like this:
1. bad date turns good! Possibly he orders root beer and is all "yes. Root beer. I like root beer." And they have an adorable conversation, and then on the third date when he goes up to Alvarez's place there is root beer in the fridge and it's all just too fucking adorable.
2. talking with Kotetsu after first date--"so nothing went horribly wrong?" "no." "nothing went even a little bit wrong? You didn't say anything stupid? Or mean? He didn't have any creepy fetishes? Nothing?" "It went WELL. Why is that so hard to believe?" "bunny, you cannot seriously be asking me that question."
And then Barnaby has ~a sort of glow~ except mingled with deep confusion and now UST with Kotetsu. And Kotetsu has an inexplicable bad mood.
3. second date, Dave is basically perfect for Barnaby and the general idea here is that if he weren't already in hopeless love with Kotetsu, they would probably work out and be amazing. poor Dave :(
4. Barnaby goes to see Kotetsu before the third date and they have what my notes describe as the Virginity & Feelings Conversation, which hits the following points:
--Barnaby is a virgin, should he bring this up with Dave or what
--at least he's a virgin as far as he knows, what with all the memory-wiping
--actually he's quite upset about that
--actually he's quite upset about the whole year that he spent alone, without Kotetsu, having to deal with the sudden revelation that he has no idea if anything he remembers about his entire life is real and unaltered, or how many of his memories and experiences have been erased, or who he even is, and he never will know any of that or get back anything he lost
Kotetsu of course is all "but I thought you didn't want me around" and there's yelling and crying and then they hug it out. And he gives Barnaby good advice, the right advice, supportive and stepping back, because this is when he gets it, fully 100% consciously realizes how he feels and what he wants, and Bunny just looks so happy and he can't let himself get in the way, mess everything up with his wrong feelings. So he gives the most solid advice yet, and sends him off to have good happy sex with a good guy and fall in love. Then he drinks too much for the first time since Barnaby quit dating, is maudlin and then just sad and possibly talks to Tomoe while fiddling obsessively with his ring, and passes out.
5. Barnaby has the greatest and most perfect date with Dave and doesn't understand his own feelings and goes back to Dave's apartment, fade to black.]]
15.
The shriek of the buzzer tore Kotetsu out of a foggy sleep. For a second he thought it was part of the dream he'd been having--the dream he'd already forgotten--but it kept going, and he staggered out of bed, glancing at the clock. Just past three in the morning.
He assessed himself as he stumbled towards the buzzer: no hangover yet, probably still a little drunk, and no nausea but that uncomfortable sensation of nausea lurking around the corner if he made too many sudden movements. Okay, he could work with this.
He pressed the button and croaked, "What?"
"Let me in," Barnaby said.
Kotetsu buzzed him up and went to wait by the door. A minute later he heard footsteps stopping on the other side, and he opened it.
"What are you doing here? Are you okay?" He didn't look okay. He looked freaked out, and his shirt was all rumpled.
"I had sex with Dave," Barnaby said.
Well, that explained the shirt. Kotetsu opened his mouth but nothing came out at first, because his throat was locking up. If he could have dealt with this in the morning, woken up all the way first, he was sure he would have been able to summon up a more appropriate reaction. Something besides 'gut-punched,' anyway. He took a step back.
"Okay," he said. "That's good, I think."
"But I left."
"Yes. Why...did you do that? Why are you here?"
"Because it was good," Barnaby said, which didn't help. "And it could really work out between us because he's amazing, and sex is amazing, and--"
"I think you should go," Kotetsu said, cutting him off and aware even as he said it that he shouldn't, because there was no good reason for him to say that and he'd have to explain it eventually. But his head was swimming and he felt sick and yeah, it hurt, okay. He was an idiot and it hurt and he'd be happy for Barnaby in the morning but it was three AM, he couldn't be expected--it wasn't fair.
"I can't go," Barnaby said, getting louder. His eyes, which had been wild and kind of crazily bright, narrowed in frustration. "I had to come here because I love you, I just didn't realize until I almost fell in love with someone else, and I know that sounds stupid, and I feel stupid but I don't know how to do any of this anyway and I woke up next to him thinking about you--"
He was all-out yelling now. The door across the hall opened and Mrs. Huynh, who had four tiny dogs and usually adored Kotetsu, stuck her head out. "It's three in the morning," she hissed, and disappeared back inside before slamming the door.
Barnaby flushed, and started to say something else but Kotetsu pulled him inside and closed the door. Neither of them moved, just stood there a foot away from each other and staring, waiting for the next move.
"You said you weren't attracted to me," Kotetsu said. Barnaby rolled his eyes.
"That was what's known as a lie."
The whole world seemed to start melting around him, reforming itself into something new. "You--" He felt a tightness squeezing in his chest. "But now you're telling the truth? Because...you had sex with someone else?"
"Because I didn't know I was in love with you!" Barnaby said, one hand gesturing angrily. "I thought it was just sex, and me being terrible at friendship, and not understanding things, and I was scared and you said you weren't into me and--why are you making me talk about this? Do you even--"
He paused expectantly. Kotetsu still felt frozen, like he might fall over if he moved. Part of that was probably the alcohol, actually.
But then Barnaby sagged, like all the air had been let out of him, and said, "you know what, you were right, I should go," and turned to leave. Kotetsu grabbed him.
"Wait!" he said, and grabbed his other shoulder to be safe. Under his hands he could almost feel a humming, something electrical and alive. Barnaby's mouth was open a little, waiting. "Can I kiss you?"
And now that mouth spread into a smile even as Barnaby snapped, "For god's sake, you don't have to ask."
Kotetsu felt a matching grin spread over his own face. "Well, excuse me for trying to be a gentleman."
Barnaby's hands landed on his arms, holding tight. "Are you even going to--"
He did.
THE END, idk there might have been some sex and/or adorable morning after, but probably not and it's a moot point now.
Okay, that was longer than I remembered so it gets its own post. Next up: Avengers! And probably Teen Wolf in the same post, I don't think any of that stuff was more than a few pages.
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That was great, all hail WIP amnesty. \o/
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...yeah so apparently I have some pent-up opinions on this topic? Moving on: I'm glad you liked it!
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Anyway. Maybe it's good I have pent-up opinions! It gave me an opportunity to agree with Barnaby, normally I'm too distracted by his hair.