some_stars | (no subject)

idk i need to just make a big long stupid post behind a cut tag with all my DA2 feelings and the fic(s) I want to write, maybe that would calm me down so i can 1.) not play so obsessively and 2.) actually enjoy myself when i play instead of counting how many hours until i finish it, and making sure i experience ALL THE THINGS and arrange everything EXACTLY SO. see, this is what happens when i go off on my own and join fandoms without my friends. without people to offload my emotions onto i just....simmer, into a thick crazy stew.

ugh, i just, i really can't stand most of my non-school life right now? and school is hard and everything else is REALLY hard and i literally can't imagine a future in which i keep this apartment clean, like i don't--how is that going to happen. it cannot possibly. i don't have it in me. how do people do that it is literally impossible. everything gets so dirty and it happens the instant you finish cleaning, and if you don't spend a lot of time on it EVERY single day the filth expands exponentially and then there's piles and piles and then you just want to die, right? no? is that just me? because i do i cannot stand this one more day.

so if i could just chill out and write some fic and be happy and not waste 36 hours on unhappy gaming that would be really nice. why am i even like this, whose stupid idea was that :(

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It's not just you. It's really common. I know that exact feeling.

Here's some stuff I've learned, from the perspective of someone who's still too filthy for other people to live with, but who's doing better than before:

- it's easier to pick up after yourself in a clean apartment. Sadfax. In a completely chaotic apartment, you don't have a place to put the clean stuff, and it all seems totally futile.

- but if you can clean just enough space for the clean stuff to go, then there's an incentive to make more clean stuff, and that cuts down on the existential despair and gives you more cope, which you can trade in for more cleaning

- you probably have one or two individual things that trigger the "I cannot stand this one more day" feeling. For instance, for me it's bugs. I cannot handle a fruit fly or pantry moth infestation. For the blogger I found this out from, it was a dirty kitchen floor or not having washed her hair in a long time. It's worth identifying what specific kind of filth you absolutely cannot cope with, the kind that induces existential horror, and if you can't get rid of it yourself, consider calling someone in just to do that part, because the rest will be so much easier without that.

- and when you're dealing with school and mental illness and shit, maybe "still filthy but no longer inducing existential horror" is the standard you can live with. Or "not getting evicted or getting complaints from the neighbours." Or "not getting actively worse."

- sometimes I have to tell myself "I will do one cleaning thing every day. Just one," and that's enough to at least make some progress at all. So I'll wash one sink of dishes, or take out the trash, or clear just the couch, or change the cat litter.

- timers are good. Fifteen minutes is long enough to see progress but short enough to be doable.

- when you're microwaving something, that's enough time to do one tiny thing, the sort of thing you might think isn't even worth it because it's so small, but you're waiting for the microwave, so you might as well. Like washing one coffee mug, or wiping a little bit of bench space without bothering to move the stuff on it out of the way.