fifty frenchmen can't be wrong (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
some_stars) wrote2012-07-28 04:24 pm
some_stars) wrote2012-07-28 04:24 pm
(no subject)
I swam 25 laps today! Which was 50 minutes of swimming, not counting occasional pauses to mess with my cheap awful snorkel set. It is very hard for me to get out of the pool, even though I know I have to go again tomorrow (because it's only weekends and early mornings that they have all the lap lanes open so I have to go both days I can) and if I push myself too hard I won't be able to move tomorrow. But everything is very easy when I'm in the water, and I get to feel good about myself for being there and doing a proper responsible grownup self-care thing, and the longer I swim the better about myself I'm allowed to feel even though once I get out I have to remember that I remain jobless and I live in squalor in my parents' house and I can't write or vid or even read anymore and I'm terrible with money and even worse with people and supremely lazy and certain to die alone.
That's all very far away when I'm underwater, though. If I had a more comfortable, more functional snorkel and better earplugs, and if they had more accessible hours on weekdays, I would probably do nothing else ever and develop gigantic disproportionate shoulders. And a knee injury, because I know I'm not kicking right but I don't know how to fix it. Am I the only person in the world who could hurt her joints by doing the most low-impact exercise in existence? It would seem that the answer is yes.
In slightly less self-hating news, I did part of a science museum presentation yesterday to a group of very, very tiny children--the first group were two-year-olds, the second three and four--and I was great at it. Talking to them on their level and getting them engaged came totally naturally to me. Talking to the other volunteers, not so much--I think I did okay (although at one point I did something awkwardly terrible that I can only hope wasn't as significant as it feels), but it was work and I had to be careful and plan every moment.
Okay, I think that's enough cognitive distortion for one entry. (Yes, I always know when I'm doing it; no, that doesn't help.) I have to go clean my filthy filthy kitchen, so that I can eat, so that I can keep from spiraling into a low-blood-sugar-induced activated depression all night.
That's all very far away when I'm underwater, though. If I had a more comfortable, more functional snorkel and better earplugs, and if they had more accessible hours on weekdays, I would probably do nothing else ever and develop gigantic disproportionate shoulders. And a knee injury, because I know I'm not kicking right but I don't know how to fix it. Am I the only person in the world who could hurt her joints by doing the most low-impact exercise in existence? It would seem that the answer is yes.
In slightly less self-hating news, I did part of a science museum presentation yesterday to a group of very, very tiny children--the first group were two-year-olds, the second three and four--and I was great at it. Talking to them on their level and getting them engaged came totally naturally to me. Talking to the other volunteers, not so much--I think I did okay (although at one point I did something awkwardly terrible that I can only hope wasn't as significant as it feels), but it was work and I had to be careful and plan every moment.
Okay, I think that's enough cognitive distortion for one entry. (Yes, I always know when I'm doing it; no, that doesn't help.) I have to go clean my filthy filthy kitchen, so that I can eat, so that I can keep from spiraling into a low-blood-sugar-induced activated depression all night.
no subject
There's this thing I do, and I'm wondering if you do the same thing. It's like this: when I'm completely and totally avoidant, I don't feel as much shame and guilt and anxiety. But when I start doing a few things in the right direction, suddenly I become aware of the entire avalanche of undone tasks hovering above me, ready to crash down, and the shame/guilt/fear is overwhelming. So I try to do more, and then crash after a few days. Does that sound familiar?
no subject