fifty frenchmen can't be wrong (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
some_stars) wrote2012-06-08 02:15 pm
some_stars) wrote2012-06-08 02:15 pm
a post about meeeeee
1. I have so much fic to catch up on, including some by you lovely people. I will do it! I'm having focus issues, as usual, so the 'when' is questionable. But I'm very excited for when I can finally get my brain to sit down and read some stories again.
1a. I went back off the ADHD medication after a short trial to see if my heart was still, a year later, completely unable to deal with stimulants at the level required to actually make a dent in my brain. There is more detail but the short version is: no. So that's been awesome.
2. There is something terribly wrong with my foot, and I don't know what. It's arch-related, but I've never been able to figure out how you're supposed to tell if you have high or low arches or what even. I need new sandals anyway so I'm going to the orthopedic shoe store today, even though I should probably go to a doctor. Well, I'll go if the shoe people tell me to go, but as I remain uninsured and unable to deal with new things, it's not my first choice. However it really, really, really sucks to be unable to walk right without scary pain. (Scary pain being the kind that feels like something is about to snap, break, pop, or otherwise go permanently wrong. The pain itself is bad, of course, but my back and arm always hurt and I more or less deal with that. It's the constant creeping body terror that gets to me.) Plus walking on the outside of my right foot all the time is really messing with my hips, which were already unhappy with their general lot in life.
3. I shadowed another science museum presentation thing yesterday, it's this program where docents drive out to places that can't come to the museum and bring a box of specimens and artifacts and stuff and do a presentation, usually to kids. It was a classroom full of elementary school kids, and I mostly just helped pass things around but I talked a couple times, and I just felt like--this is where I want to be. This is what I should be doing. Apparently I have an actual calling, and I am trying to hang on to that feeling and force myself some perspective on my creative difficulties.
I mean, on the one hand, I know it's not really "omg I cannot write this sexy fanfic" that makes me feel like my life is a melted ruin. It's that I can't write. Or vid, or make anything. Making things has been my thing for my entire life. On the vanishingly rare occasions I can do it well and easily, it feels better than any other emotion I've ever felt, including love for other people. I realize this is deeply fucked up and horrible, but it's what I am, and not having it hurts.
But I think teaching and working with kids are going to be an equal Thing for me, and frankly they're both much more important and meaningful than gifting the world with yet another mediocre story. (I could--I know, about myself, that if I could get past the enormous impassable mental block, I could write something really amazing. Many things. Things completely worth writing and saving and reading. But it's not going to happen.) So: perspective. And actual RL goals, that is also a good thing. I'm meeting with the head of the education department at my mom's university in a couple weeks to beg advice, and meanwhile I will try to ascertain a general timeline for the GRE and application process, which...I have been avoiding learning. Because it's scary.
1a. I went back off the ADHD medication after a short trial to see if my heart was still, a year later, completely unable to deal with stimulants at the level required to actually make a dent in my brain. There is more detail but the short version is: no. So that's been awesome.
2. There is something terribly wrong with my foot, and I don't know what. It's arch-related, but I've never been able to figure out how you're supposed to tell if you have high or low arches or what even. I need new sandals anyway so I'm going to the orthopedic shoe store today, even though I should probably go to a doctor. Well, I'll go if the shoe people tell me to go, but as I remain uninsured and unable to deal with new things, it's not my first choice. However it really, really, really sucks to be unable to walk right without scary pain. (Scary pain being the kind that feels like something is about to snap, break, pop, or otherwise go permanently wrong. The pain itself is bad, of course, but my back and arm always hurt and I more or less deal with that. It's the constant creeping body terror that gets to me.) Plus walking on the outside of my right foot all the time is really messing with my hips, which were already unhappy with their general lot in life.
3. I shadowed another science museum presentation thing yesterday, it's this program where docents drive out to places that can't come to the museum and bring a box of specimens and artifacts and stuff and do a presentation, usually to kids. It was a classroom full of elementary school kids, and I mostly just helped pass things around but I talked a couple times, and I just felt like--this is where I want to be. This is what I should be doing. Apparently I have an actual calling, and I am trying to hang on to that feeling and force myself some perspective on my creative difficulties.
I mean, on the one hand, I know it's not really "omg I cannot write this sexy fanfic" that makes me feel like my life is a melted ruin. It's that I can't write. Or vid, or make anything. Making things has been my thing for my entire life. On the vanishingly rare occasions I can do it well and easily, it feels better than any other emotion I've ever felt, including love for other people. I realize this is deeply fucked up and horrible, but it's what I am, and not having it hurts.
But I think teaching and working with kids are going to be an equal Thing for me, and frankly they're both much more important and meaningful than gifting the world with yet another mediocre story. (I could--I know, about myself, that if I could get past the enormous impassable mental block, I could write something really amazing. Many things. Things completely worth writing and saving and reading. But it's not going to happen.) So: perspective. And actual RL goals, that is also a good thing. I'm meeting with the head of the education department at my mom's university in a couple weeks to beg advice, and meanwhile I will try to ascertain a general timeline for the GRE and application process, which...I have been avoiding learning. Because it's scary.
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I'm pleased to hear the museum job is giving you so much information on what you want to do in the future!
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A lot of people I know have jobs they hate, for the insurance.
US healthcare is a frightening mystery to me.
It is to Americans too! UGH.
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Oh, I know what you mean there. It's awful. But teaching and working with kids, that's awesome, and RL goals!
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