fifty frenchmen can't be wrong (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
some_stars) wrote2012-05-08 12:48 am
some_stars) wrote2012-05-08 12:48 am
more stupid avengers feels
can't go to sleep, babble instead. including overshare and just a bunch of crap that is probably not interesting.
so like...I have a four-year history of overidentifying the SHIT out of Tony Stark, it is embarrassing, even after the sequel killed a lot of my love. But the original movie, jesus christ. Downward spiral, self-destruction, the twin cores of desperate need and intense self-hate, shoving everyone away--and then I read the comics and oh my god I can't even--there was a panel somewhere, from one of the alcoholism arcs, that I made into an icon even though it was visually uninteresting, some dialogue with a character I no longer remember who--and now I can't find the damn icon, so this is probably paraphrased--"Don't you understand what you're doing to yourself?" "No. And neither do you."
And that was just--exactly, yes. My life. Can't you see, don't you know, can't you understand? No, I can't, I don't understand why I'm tearing myself apart, I never have. That plus the icon I made of the suit falling through the air, unpowered, just plummeting, kind of peaceful-looking and beautiful.
And I was plunging through bits and pieces of people's reaction posts and discussions tonight, just whatever I could get my hands on at first glance, and someone was talking about Tony/Bruce and the idea that Tony understands, he's got the "other guy" too, it's in him--except for him, Tony Stark is Iron Man's bad side. And I was already into the pairing from the movie because SCIENCE BOYFRIENDS, but something just clicked. Because--I have never ever given two shits about the Hulk, I admit that up front, even during my obsessive Marvel period. But Bruce in this movie, I can see already, it's going to be another fucking film festival of projection around these parts. He's tried to kill himself (and I LOVED how they played the reaction shots in that scene), he's always angry--always miserable, always furious, always on the edge, over the edge--and holding it down. Going through life, making people think that losing it is some big epic thing that happens instead of just...letting go.
So basically, I respond very well to characters with mental illnesses even a tiny bit resembling my own? WHO KNEW.
I feel guilty for not having this level of reaction to Natasha. I think I will when I read fic about her, because she is very close to the rare kind of female character who does it for me on a deep primal level. I don't know if it's because I can't help comparing myself to them more (and more realistically), or internalized misogyny, or what, but the fictional women who get this strong a response from me have to be INCREDIBLY fucked up, incredibly bad at feelings--the two biggest examples are Aeryn from Farscape and Cara from Legend of the Seeker. Just--broken, with their central struggle coming from inside themselves, not from fighting against outside forces. Because I feel broken, and women who have it together emotionally, I just can't--I don't know. Men aren't quite real to me, I think that's part of it too.
But I want to read that fic, the fic where she breaks and needs to be saved with love. Preferably Clint and Steve's love. Oh my god, that fic would do it for me so hard, I'm about to cry just imagining it. Lengthy and loving depictions of her emotional pain and desperation. OOC, maybe, but it is what I need. And it's what I always need about male characters too, so that part I don't feel guilty about. The guilt is that right now, when I've landed on a new fannish thing and I am in desperate emotional straits and my id is screaming and feeding it is the only thing that will make me feel less like I'll never get better--what it screams for is dudes and their dudepain. And I don't know what to do about that. Except beg for threesome fic, which I always do anyway.
so like...I have a four-year history of overidentifying the SHIT out of Tony Stark, it is embarrassing, even after the sequel killed a lot of my love. But the original movie, jesus christ. Downward spiral, self-destruction, the twin cores of desperate need and intense self-hate, shoving everyone away--and then I read the comics and oh my god I can't even--there was a panel somewhere, from one of the alcoholism arcs, that I made into an icon even though it was visually uninteresting, some dialogue with a character I no longer remember who--and now I can't find the damn icon, so this is probably paraphrased--"Don't you understand what you're doing to yourself?" "No. And neither do you."
And that was just--exactly, yes. My life. Can't you see, don't you know, can't you understand? No, I can't, I don't understand why I'm tearing myself apart, I never have. That plus the icon I made of the suit falling through the air, unpowered, just plummeting, kind of peaceful-looking and beautiful.
And I was plunging through bits and pieces of people's reaction posts and discussions tonight, just whatever I could get my hands on at first glance, and someone was talking about Tony/Bruce and the idea that Tony understands, he's got the "other guy" too, it's in him--except for him, Tony Stark is Iron Man's bad side. And I was already into the pairing from the movie because SCIENCE BOYFRIENDS, but something just clicked. Because--I have never ever given two shits about the Hulk, I admit that up front, even during my obsessive Marvel period. But Bruce in this movie, I can see already, it's going to be another fucking film festival of projection around these parts. He's tried to kill himself (and I LOVED how they played the reaction shots in that scene), he's always angry--always miserable, always furious, always on the edge, over the edge--and holding it down. Going through life, making people think that losing it is some big epic thing that happens instead of just...letting go.
So basically, I respond very well to characters with mental illnesses even a tiny bit resembling my own? WHO KNEW.
I feel guilty for not having this level of reaction to Natasha. I think I will when I read fic about her, because she is very close to the rare kind of female character who does it for me on a deep primal level. I don't know if it's because I can't help comparing myself to them more (and more realistically), or internalized misogyny, or what, but the fictional women who get this strong a response from me have to be INCREDIBLY fucked up, incredibly bad at feelings--the two biggest examples are Aeryn from Farscape and Cara from Legend of the Seeker. Just--broken, with their central struggle coming from inside themselves, not from fighting against outside forces. Because I feel broken, and women who have it together emotionally, I just can't--I don't know. Men aren't quite real to me, I think that's part of it too.
But I want to read that fic, the fic where she breaks and needs to be saved with love. Preferably Clint and Steve's love. Oh my god, that fic would do it for me so hard, I'm about to cry just imagining it. Lengthy and loving depictions of her emotional pain and desperation. OOC, maybe, but it is what I need. And it's what I always need about male characters too, so that part I don't feel guilty about. The guilt is that right now, when I've landed on a new fannish thing and I am in desperate emotional straits and my id is screaming and feeding it is the only thing that will make me feel less like I'll never get better--what it screams for is dudes and their dudepain. And I don't know what to do about that. Except beg for threesome fic, which I always do anyway.