icon because I've given up all hope of ever having a business card

[some_stars]

Of all the things I hate about job-hunting, there is nothing I hate more than The Questionnaire. If you've looked for retail or other lower-level work (socially and economically lower, of course, not inherently) in the last ten years, I'm sure you've encountered it--the loooong list of questions like "Most people have stolen from their employer at least once [Agree] [Disagree]" and "Customers usually don't deserve my time [Agree] [Disagree]" and so forth. The thing that makes them infuriating instead of just stupid, though, is how they include questions that aren't blatantly obvious--or rather, the "correct" answer is obvious, but also fairly inhuman and wildly unrealistic, and at least some of these tests are actually secret tests of whether you're lying, or some other mysterious factor that's not your actual answers. The wording is also all kinds of ambiguous, and basically if I could actually talk through these questions with someone (not the someone from corporate headquarters who approved the Questionnaire and thinks of employees as interchangeable lumps of flesh slightly less intelligent than your slower breeds of dog), it would be fine--or if the whole thing weren't full of implications by virtue of the setting in which you're answering it, since the retail version of a healthy, employable human being isn't much like the real world version.

The whole thing is just a complete sadistic mindfuck, making you choose between looking like an idiot who shows Warning Signs of being a bad employee (like "I feel bad when people get angry with me," or is that a good sign? WHO KNOWS), or looking like a liar who's trying to give all the right answers, and I'm pretty sure it's never weeded out anyone who couldn't be weeded out by a five minute interview asking a couple of these questions, and it's just so POINTLESS and MEAN and dehumanizing and I hate them. I hate them especially today because I just had an interview that went--as far as I can tell, which granted isn't very--incredibly well, and then I had to fill out one of those things (ninety-five questions, while standing at a counter, in heels) and now I'm worried I have Ruined Everything. I got to wear my leopard skirt though, at least there's that.

--and I just remembered I still have to do two loads of laundry today, so I can pack tomorrow. LET ME DIE.

Comments

[kore]

OH GOD, I hate those. "Stealing from a big employer isn't wrong" and "I would take office supplies if nobody knew" and they just make me want to answer YES to all the "I am a horrible klepto employee" ones.

[some_stars]

One of the worst from this one was "If I found out that a family member was stealing from their job, I would report them to their employer." I mean...that has to be a trick question, right? Where people who mark "Definitely Yes" get flagged as big liars? It's not even MY employer! What do you care! Not to mention that we don't get a distinction between "bringing home toilet paper from work" and "embezzling millions."

Oh, or the one asking if, if I got home from a store and saw that I hadn't been charged for a $1.00 item, would I go back and pay the $1. Because on the one hand, NO ONE does that. I would happily go back for five bucks because I don't want someone to get in trouble for a till that doesn't match receipts, but not for a fucking DOLLAR. But on the other hand, what do they want from me, it is the worst.

[phosfate]

Also, the trip back would cost a great deal more than a dollar. And how much would it cost them to do all the paperwork and stuff to change the books?

I would phone them. "Do you want this? or are we good?"

[inbetweendays]

I am 99% sure that those tests are the reason I was diagnosed as a misanthrope in high school. (Or well, not those tests exactly, but ones exactly like them that were somehow meant to diagnose learning disabilities?)