some_stars | (no subject)

Okay, this thing where I get about 80% of the way through a creative project and then all my motivation and ability just fizzles out and dies forever? I would like it to STOP HAPPENING. I had forgotten just how close to finished my Magneto vid is--it can't be more than another fifteen hours of work, tops--and yet when I opened it just now, hoping I could work on it as a break from my Festivids, my brain just...shut off. Like, saw the timeline and went dead.

And of course the longer something like this goes on, and the more I see the unfinished version without being able to make any real changes to it, the more overworked and lifeless and clumsy the whole thing starts to feel, until I eventually give up in disgust. Which obviously can't happen with the Festivids, but I do have other ideas and it's harder and harder to start on any of them knowing that it'll probably end like this.

It really doesn't help, of course, that the rest of my life is also being a misery at the moment, but I was hoping I could at least escape into vidding, which would still be a terrible thing to do instead of jobhunting but would at least be sort of productive, in an unimportant way. But apparently: no, no I can't. Videogames, you are my only love now.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

....wow, it's like you are me. Only over time my ability to progress dropped from 80% to 60& to 40 and....well this is a depressing road to go down, BLEAH. But it really fucking sucks. I wonder why it happens? It really is like you describe, just like a switch turns off or something.

see, writing has always been like that for me, with the steadily diminishing returns, to the point where I thought for a long time that I just couldn't write anymore, and then in late 2010 the cycle started over and gave me renewed hope, and now of course I can't write anymore, again. But vidding was supposed to not be like that, it was supposed to let me sidestep my brain and actually do shit. But apparently I was just delaying the inevitable with a switch to a different media, and now it's business as usual.

I know what it is, really; it's anxiety and the ensuing intense urge to avoid the source of anxiety at all costs. It's the same reason I can't get anything done in my whole life ever. With the vids, I get so self-critical and so frustrated, and then I start getting sick of the whole thing, and it doesn't help that when I'm so self-conscious like this the vids actually aren't as good because I overthink them so brutally that it just squeezes the life out of them. And then I hate them and hate looking at them and that's the end of it.