fifty frenchmen can't be wrong (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
some_stars) wrote2011-10-11 10:40 pm
some_stars) wrote2011-10-11 10:40 pm
(no subject)
Today I discovered that I have a problem. I went to an acupuncturist, because I've always kind of meant to try it and I happened to find a place that was both cheap and highly recommended. I didn't actually realize how deep my needle issues ran until now, but that is not the problem to which I refer.
The whole experience was basically the (tragically) non-sexual equivalent, for me, of really really edgy sensation play, with a lot of pointedly deep breathing and shaky almost-crying, and I was sort of forcing myself to see it through but I also sort of wanted to keep going, very weird, very surprising in its intensity, not what you would call pleasant. (It mostly didn't hurt per se, but a handful of the needles were thick enough that I could feel them in there, being in my skin, and that triggers me way harder than pain. I actually had to have her take one of them out because it was setting me off so badly.)
Except as soon as the needles were out, I was making an appointment for next week, and not long after that I started thinking how much I want another tattoo, and isn't it past time to get my ears pierced again, and I REALLY want to get another tattoo, and...apparently I am now addicted to incredibly stressful experiences where I deliberately subject myself to pain or other physical distress for which I have to hold perfectly still, preferably for extended periods of time, until I'm right on the edge of freaking out. I don't actually get the endorphin rush--the tattoo was also no fun at ALL while I was getting it and never stopped being painful in the bad way. I just have the expensive addiction response afterward. This is inconvenient and all kinds of messed up, and I do not appreciate it, body, not one little bit.
The whole experience was basically the (tragically) non-sexual equivalent, for me, of really really edgy sensation play, with a lot of pointedly deep breathing and shaky almost-crying, and I was sort of forcing myself to see it through but I also sort of wanted to keep going, very weird, very surprising in its intensity, not what you would call pleasant. (It mostly didn't hurt per se, but a handful of the needles were thick enough that I could feel them in there, being in my skin, and that triggers me way harder than pain. I actually had to have her take one of them out because it was setting me off so badly.)
Except as soon as the needles were out, I was making an appointment for next week, and not long after that I started thinking how much I want another tattoo, and isn't it past time to get my ears pierced again, and I REALLY want to get another tattoo, and...apparently I am now addicted to incredibly stressful experiences where I deliberately subject myself to pain or other physical distress for which I have to hold perfectly still, preferably for extended periods of time, until I'm right on the edge of freaking out. I don't actually get the endorphin rush--the tattoo was also no fun at ALL while I was getting it and never stopped being painful in the bad way. I just have the expensive addiction response afterward. This is inconvenient and all kinds of messed up, and I do not appreciate it, body, not one little bit.
no subject
Oh boy do I identify. For me this is related to the desire to be a 'good person', which is something I can somehow acquire more easily by passively enduring than by actively achieving. I get this wonderful sense of accomplishment.
There's also the thing where stress is addictive, hence my series of self-enforced deadlines.
With the exception that needles aren't one of the things I gain a hit of success by enduring. Weirdly, I actually like needles.