fifty frenchmen can't be wrong (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
some_stars) wrote2011-08-11 10:30 pm
some_stars) wrote2011-08-11 10:30 pm
EVERY DAY is like this now
The really fun thing about this anxiety I'm having is how it expands to fit all available space. If I can't handle job-hunting and avoid it by getting other, less important stuff done like grocery shopping or car-related errands, pretty soon that stuff starts to set off alarms as well. When I avoid errands by writing and vidding all day, within a couple weeks I can't do that anymore either. Avoiding creativity by reading fic? Now I've got three dozen unread tabs I literally can't bring myself to look at.
Finally I started avoiding everything else by reading old comics for hours, but now even that makes me tense, because there are so many titles I want to read or reread, and I have to choose which one, and which era to start with at the moment--do I want to try to read every issue of the Avengers straight through again, or start by rereading that stuff from the early 200s I read last time and really liked, or something else, or what? And repeat this same quandary for the other incredibly long-running titles I want to read or reread, and those torrents I downloaded of every X-Men comic ever in chronological order, and some other books that are neither Avenger nor X-related or 30+ years old but I really want to read. There are literally dozens of options, and I have to choose one, and attempting to choose triggers a total meltdown.
But it's actually kind of hard to get through a day without doing anything, and fairly anxiety-producing in itself to attempt, so when I woke up this morning I tried to forestall the usual part of the day where I sit at the computer and poke aimlessly at the internet with increasing panic, trying to settle on something I can do without breaking down and crying. I decided to read comics, but then the above-described terror spiral started and I had to cut it off fast--so I flipped through my so-far 50 GB of Marvel stuff (which is nothing compared to the DC folder, not that this is something I'm especially proud of), and I specifically looked for something that I wanted to read...but not too much. Something I was sort of absentmindedly interested in checking out at some point, but didn't actually care about anyone or anything in it, so I wouldn't turn myself into a (more) crazy person worrying that I was somehow reading it wrong. (How do you read comics wrong? Believe me, I can find a way. I already give myself guilt for not changing the reader's display options to best showcase the composition of any given page.) Preferably it would be something that I'd heard from trusted sources (ie, other fangirls) was good, and maybe something funny to more effectively distract myself from everything about my life.
This is how I ended up spending twelve hours reading 37 issues (so far) of Cable & Deadpool. With breaks for food and stuff, of course, or I would have made it much further (also not something I'm thrilled to know from experience). It's pretty good! Well, the first 20 issues or so were better, and it really started to drag when they started shuffling artists and doing all the crossover ~events~, but now it's good again. And really gay, which I knew in theory, but damn. And I don't actually care about any of it, so I can't be afraid of it! That's the best part. In conclusion, comics really do offer something for everyone no matter what your variety of crippling mental illness, and unlike everything else in my life they will never leave me, although they may betray me in the most painful ways imaginable. But they won't leave.
Finally I started avoiding everything else by reading old comics for hours, but now even that makes me tense, because there are so many titles I want to read or reread, and I have to choose which one, and which era to start with at the moment--do I want to try to read every issue of the Avengers straight through again, or start by rereading that stuff from the early 200s I read last time and really liked, or something else, or what? And repeat this same quandary for the other incredibly long-running titles I want to read or reread, and those torrents I downloaded of every X-Men comic ever in chronological order, and some other books that are neither Avenger nor X-related or 30+ years old but I really want to read. There are literally dozens of options, and I have to choose one, and attempting to choose triggers a total meltdown.
But it's actually kind of hard to get through a day without doing anything, and fairly anxiety-producing in itself to attempt, so when I woke up this morning I tried to forestall the usual part of the day where I sit at the computer and poke aimlessly at the internet with increasing panic, trying to settle on something I can do without breaking down and crying. I decided to read comics, but then the above-described terror spiral started and I had to cut it off fast--so I flipped through my so-far 50 GB of Marvel stuff (which is nothing compared to the DC folder, not that this is something I'm especially proud of), and I specifically looked for something that I wanted to read...but not too much. Something I was sort of absentmindedly interested in checking out at some point, but didn't actually care about anyone or anything in it, so I wouldn't turn myself into a (more) crazy person worrying that I was somehow reading it wrong. (How do you read comics wrong? Believe me, I can find a way. I already give myself guilt for not changing the reader's display options to best showcase the composition of any given page.) Preferably it would be something that I'd heard from trusted sources (ie, other fangirls) was good, and maybe something funny to more effectively distract myself from everything about my life.
This is how I ended up spending twelve hours reading 37 issues (so far) of Cable & Deadpool. With breaks for food and stuff, of course, or I would have made it much further (also not something I'm thrilled to know from experience). It's pretty good! Well, the first 20 issues or so were better, and it really started to drag when they started shuffling artists and doing all the crossover ~events~, but now it's good again. And really gay, which I knew in theory, but damn. And I don't actually care about any of it, so I can't be afraid of it! That's the best part. In conclusion, comics really do offer something for everyone no matter what your variety of crippling mental illness, and unlike everything else in my life they will never leave me, although they may betray me in the most painful ways imaginable. But they won't leave.
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This is why I read the same line over and over again, convinced that I didn't read it the first time, and that if I skip it, I won't have read the whole book.