some_stars | (no subject)

--of course the other thing abt the tattoo being I am totally flipping out now that it is actually time to do it. I mean, I've wanted it for five years and I love that psalm and that line passionately ever since I first read it an I liked the way the stencil looked on my skin...but WHAT IF, what if I suddenly hate it or get bored with it, which is not especially likely but--I am so bad at making choices. I can't even choose a single kind of cake, I always get 2 slices and nibble at both. When I make stuff in Photoshop I save a spare copy every single time I change ANYTHING. decisions are SCARY and I am scared. But I'm almost certain it's self sabotage rather than genuine doubt. But I can't know because I don't actually feel my own feelings directly, I get vague miasmas of unease and try to infer what they're from based on external events. So this is all very very distressing. I don't know I just feel like I should want it MORE, like I should desperately need it more than anything. How else do I know I actually want it?

If I put it off I'll feel this exact same way next time I try. And I still won't know if it's real or not.

EDIT: called my mom, who is currently in China, for a pep talk, now feel better, god bless Skype.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

:) Decisions are scary! *pompoms*

I don't know if this works for you, but I think of tattoos as markers of who I am now, what I love and want and think about now - rather than as markers of some unchanging essential "me" who will always love/want/think this way. It's a lot of psychic relief for me to understand that no, actually, I won't always feel the same way about this tattoo - but I will always remember the me who felt that way, and that she inhabited this body too, and that's important and valuable.