(no subject)

quick update in bed to say, hi, im not doing well at all and things are pretty bad. i did some research on my various symptoms and maladies emotional, cognitive, and physical that descended on me five years ago and i realized what’s probably Wrong With Me, but it doesn’t seem to be something with an available fix or a lot of focused study, and it was already gonna be hard enough to motivate myself to do further research and collate all the journal articles i found and present them to an endocrinologist who will be angry i did my own research and tell me it’s all caused by being fat, but the likelihood that even if that went well there’s not like a pill they could give me is making it REAL hard to get that process started. and it also means that i never am gonna find some final or new depression or adhd treatment that fixes the horrible black cloud ive been living in for five years now, because it’s not about those neurotransmitters at all.

so now i know why everything that made me me has been dissolving. i can barely read anymore and i don’t remember what i read. my executive function was never good but now it’s utterly nonfunctional. i cant connect to other humans in any kind of meaningful way anymore. i don’t get hyperfixations, i don’t get so passionately excited about media that i want to consume it over and over. i don’t get excited, ever. and i cant drink and i can’t orgasm and i cant LEARN. (and let’s not even get into the GI symptoms.) im a hollow shell of who i used to be, who was not so fantastic to begin with.

anyway every morning is a fresh wave of dread and i don’t know how much longer i can do this, so that’s where im at. wish i had better news