fifty frenchmen can't be wrong (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
some_stars) wrote2011-01-19 09:10 am
some_stars) wrote2011-01-19 09:10 am
(no subject)
Thanks to everyone who replied to my last entry. I'm taking the cat in tomorrow morning instead; we noticed that she seemed to have hurt her leg, which may be age-related or something acute and specific, and I'm not getting my hopes up because there are a lot of other symptoms, but...we'll see.
I haven't written a word since Sunday--I'm pretty sure school is going to utterly destroy me this semester. There's a ton of work, but even more than that there's all kinds of other STUFF to do. I have to call the disability services office and get fresh documentation, I have to schedule this off-campus test that places me out of freshman comp part 1 so that I can actually graduate this spring, have to finally make a recovery disc for my netbook now that I'm using it daily again and I'm paranoid about it getting even more knocked around. I just have to keep so much crap straight in my head; at least one of my classes has tiny weekly writing/discussion assignments that will be no effort at all except they will keep happening again and AGAIN, and I already know I'm not going to remember.
Also I have two vid ideas that are killing me with how bad I want to make them, but I won't know for sure if they're at all viable until the end of this season (of Glee, yes, I hate myself enough for all of us, though you are welcome to help; one of them is angry and critical and one of them...isn't). There's a ton of prep work I could be doing for both of them, rewatching and clipping and even starting on laying clips--but if I end up putting dozens of hours into a vid that it turns out I can't finish, I will just curl up and die. (Also, I feel like I SHOULD work on my ATLA vid, because it's like the perfect vid to send to VVC, and I...am not sure if I can go to VVC this year, but if it turns out I can, I'll only want to if I have a premiering vid, and there's just a whole separate tangle of anxiety there. Money and what the hell will I do after I graduate and why bother I won't make any friends anyway and seriously what the fuck do I do after this semester is over, I was supposed to be figuring this shit out last fall.)
There's more low-level crap going on, but I am so tired of this entry now. Oh, except, another reason I abruptly stopped writing is because I realized the emotional story of this fic is literally exactly the same as a story that I wrote years and years ago--which I hate and have hated since a couple months after I wrote it--the writing isn't even any better and there's nothing new in it at all. And now I feel like...it really doesn't matter that my actual words and sentences are great(by fanfic standards; false modesty when comparing yourself with people who use epithets but not paragraph breaks is kind of pointless), this is just reminding me that I'll never be able to write anything with genuine emotion or feeling or relationships because I'm not writing about people, I'm writing about a few melodramatic stick figures acting out the same scenes over and over again, and if I keep writing in the same fandom like I was hoping to do, people are going to realize that really quickly.
It's just--writing at all is so hard for me, it's like the deep central pressure point of SO many of my most messed-up issues, and challenging myself, not letting myself write what comes naturally/easily but trying to write what's best for the story(and the same with my verbal tics and diction, how I vary the vocabulary for the POV character's voice but I can't ever manage to change up how I say anything and rely on the same few words all the time)--it scares me, because writing repetitive shit is better than not being able to write at all, right? Kind of? And, just, ugh. I am a mess. A robotic barely-human mess.
I haven't written a word since Sunday--I'm pretty sure school is going to utterly destroy me this semester. There's a ton of work, but even more than that there's all kinds of other STUFF to do. I have to call the disability services office and get fresh documentation, I have to schedule this off-campus test that places me out of freshman comp part 1 so that I can actually graduate this spring, have to finally make a recovery disc for my netbook now that I'm using it daily again and I'm paranoid about it getting even more knocked around. I just have to keep so much crap straight in my head; at least one of my classes has tiny weekly writing/discussion assignments that will be no effort at all except they will keep happening again and AGAIN, and I already know I'm not going to remember.
Also I have two vid ideas that are killing me with how bad I want to make them, but I won't know for sure if they're at all viable until the end of this season (of Glee, yes, I hate myself enough for all of us, though you are welcome to help; one of them is angry and critical and one of them...isn't). There's a ton of prep work I could be doing for both of them, rewatching and clipping and even starting on laying clips--but if I end up putting dozens of hours into a vid that it turns out I can't finish, I will just curl up and die. (Also, I feel like I SHOULD work on my ATLA vid, because it's like the perfect vid to send to VVC, and I...am not sure if I can go to VVC this year, but if it turns out I can, I'll only want to if I have a premiering vid, and there's just a whole separate tangle of anxiety there. Money and what the hell will I do after I graduate and why bother I won't make any friends anyway and seriously what the fuck do I do after this semester is over, I was supposed to be figuring this shit out last fall.)
There's more low-level crap going on, but I am so tired of this entry now. Oh, except, another reason I abruptly stopped writing is because I realized the emotional story of this fic is literally exactly the same as a story that I wrote years and years ago--which I hate and have hated since a couple months after I wrote it--the writing isn't even any better and there's nothing new in it at all. And now I feel like...it really doesn't matter that my actual words and sentences are great(by fanfic standards; false modesty when comparing yourself with people who use epithets but not paragraph breaks is kind of pointless), this is just reminding me that I'll never be able to write anything with genuine emotion or feeling or relationships because I'm not writing about people, I'm writing about a few melodramatic stick figures acting out the same scenes over and over again, and if I keep writing in the same fandom like I was hoping to do, people are going to realize that really quickly.
It's just--writing at all is so hard for me, it's like the deep central pressure point of SO many of my most messed-up issues, and challenging myself, not letting myself write what comes naturally/easily but trying to write what's best for the story(and the same with my verbal tics and diction, how I vary the vocabulary for the POV character's voice but I can't ever manage to change up how I say anything and rely on the same few words all the time)--it scares me, because writing repetitive shit is better than not being able to write at all, right? Kind of? And, just, ugh. I am a mess. A robotic barely-human mess.