fifty frenchmen can't be wrong (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
some_stars) wrote2011-01-05 12:58 pm
some_stars) wrote2011-01-05 12:58 pm
I HATE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE, INCLUDING YOU
I got four hours of sleep, I have my period AGAIN even though it was just here a few weeks ago--this is seriously upsetting to me, because since i was like 18 and up until starting the metformin a few months ago I got it 3-4 times a year at random intervals, and I'm still not used to it COMING BACK OVER AND OVER and I bleed ALL OVER FUCKING EVERYTHING, it's so gross and humiliating--I had the worst cramps of my life last night, I may not be able to graduate on time due to my own stupidity, I'm hungry and forcing myself to eat a fiber one bar because it's the least disgusting option in the entire house which is SAYING SOMETHING, my shoulder hurts even worse than it does most of the time and I already took one aleve even though they don't work that well for this and I'm taking them basically every day now but it hasn't kicked in yet, if it ever will. Also I got FOUR fucking hours of sleep and I couldn't go back to bed because of this horrible thing that happens to me now, starting maybe a month and a half ago, where every time I wake up--every. single. time, whether I got three hours or nine or fourteen--I feel sick and horrible in a unique and indescribable way and I can only stop it by getting up as quickly as possible. (literally indescribable, the last two times it happened prior to my recent psychiatrist appointment I actually lay there and tried to figure out how to describe it, and I couldn't. It's not nausea, it's not pain, it's not even exactly dizziness, it's just THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD.)
oh and I am fairly sure that going up on my Vyvanse is what made me suddenly able to write again at the beginning of December, or at least helped a lot, and I am also fairly sure that adding that extra 10 mg is what made me start having anxiety attacks again after six months without them, as it (or it could be something else, but the timing is really suspicious) makes my heart race nauseatingly and that triggers all kinds of associations. So now I get to choose between risking a heart attack before thirty and possibly giving up writing again, and the idea that at least I'd have more time to work on fic is the single sole only thing that will keep me from killing myself if it turns out I ruined everything and can't graduate this spring. Which is looking highly possible. I'd honestly rather risk the heart attack than risk losing this yet again, which makes me feel ultra guilty because of course if some horrible medical thing does happen to me, my parents are the ones who'll be paying for me to not die. (I have basically zero confidence in any kind of health care reform that doesn't involve nationalized single-payer and removing the profit motive entirely. Yet another reason to totally fucking freak the hell out every time I think about my life after graduation, because even if there were jobs I sure as hell wouldn't be getting one, and my current medication cocktail is over $350 a month, and it's not like I'm ever going to get better.)
AND I FUCKING HATE MENSTRUATING. like, you know how everyone has a few pairs of period panties in the back of the drawer that are already ruined so you might as well wear them while bleeding? That is ALL MY UNDERWEAR now. Every pair. I can't plan ahead for shit and due to the shape of my massively obese body there is no pad on the planet that provides sufficient coverage. I would have cut this post for TMI but I'm kind of angry at the entire world right now.
Also I should just note that if anyone replies to this with any kind of practical advice I will never fucking speak to you again.
(why is this not flocked? don't know, don't care)
oh and I am fairly sure that going up on my Vyvanse is what made me suddenly able to write again at the beginning of December, or at least helped a lot, and I am also fairly sure that adding that extra 10 mg is what made me start having anxiety attacks again after six months without them, as it (or it could be something else, but the timing is really suspicious) makes my heart race nauseatingly and that triggers all kinds of associations. So now I get to choose between risking a heart attack before thirty and possibly giving up writing again, and the idea that at least I'd have more time to work on fic is the single sole only thing that will keep me from killing myself if it turns out I ruined everything and can't graduate this spring. Which is looking highly possible. I'd honestly rather risk the heart attack than risk losing this yet again, which makes me feel ultra guilty because of course if some horrible medical thing does happen to me, my parents are the ones who'll be paying for me to not die. (I have basically zero confidence in any kind of health care reform that doesn't involve nationalized single-payer and removing the profit motive entirely. Yet another reason to totally fucking freak the hell out every time I think about my life after graduation, because even if there were jobs I sure as hell wouldn't be getting one, and my current medication cocktail is over $350 a month, and it's not like I'm ever going to get better.)
AND I FUCKING HATE MENSTRUATING. like, you know how everyone has a few pairs of period panties in the back of the drawer that are already ruined so you might as well wear them while bleeding? That is ALL MY UNDERWEAR now. Every pair. I can't plan ahead for shit and due to the shape of my massively obese body there is no pad on the planet that provides sufficient coverage. I would have cut this post for TMI but I'm kind of angry at the entire world right now.
Also I should just note that if anyone replies to this with any kind of practical advice I will never fucking speak to you again.
(why is this not flocked? don't know, don't care)