fifty frenchmen can't be wrong (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
some_stars) wrote2011-01-03 02:33 pm
some_stars) wrote2011-01-03 02:33 pm
Bad Advice for Heterosexuals
so we all know that Cosmo's sex tips are horrible, yes? well, I was flipping through an issue today while waiting at the pharmacy, and you guys. you GUYS. There was an article on sixty "hands-free" sex tips, and they started out vaguely sane and then I ended up laughing like a total loon right there in the magazines-and-stationery aisle, and I had to pay the five dollars to buy the damn thing so I could type these up for you. BECAUSE THEY ARE AMAZING.
so yeah, the list begins with things that are either normal or at least not actively worrisome--
4. "My girl rubs her hot inner thigh against my erection. The heat feels crazy-good." --Travis, 21
Totally fine, not alarming!
2. "My wife grazes her nipples against mine, and it's an amazing sensation." --Steve, 33
I would probably laugh if I tried to do this or watch it being done(mostly because of how you'd have to carefully line things up), but hey, it probably does feel good, so go for it.
5. Sweep your boobs over the back of his neck. --Steve Bodansky, PhD, author of The Illustrated Guide to Extended Massive Orgasm
Aside from the part where you're taking sex advice from a guy who thought that was a great book title, and the use of the word "boobs," this sounds pretty good if kind of silly-looking, but presumably the person you're boob-sweeping won't be watching you anyway.
Then you turn the page, and things start to get a little questionable:
9. He can insert his penis where the underside of your boob meets your ribs. --Sadie Allison, PhD
Well, yes. Yes he can. What is UP with all the sexologists saying "boob," here? Especially when they say "penis" in the same sentence? Also, if your breasts are big enough for this to be satisfying for a guy, they're probably big enough for a regular tittyfuck which seems like a much less awkward angle.
12. Look at him as you run your chin from his chest to his crotch. --Michael Castleman
Just...look at him. Stare blankly with your dead eyes, grinding your chin firmly against his sternum. (This is the only entry where the guy gets a last name and no quotation marks or age, but doesn't have any credentials. It's kind of creepy.)
14. Wrap your legs around him, and massage his lower back (a big hot spot) with your heels. --Patti Taylor, PhD
Doing this during actual intercourse sounds like a recipe for a major kidney injury. Also, super distracting.
18. Have him sit up, and lie between his legs. When he enters you, raise your legs and rub his shoulders with your heels. --Steve Bodansky, PhD
Okay, I don't know what they're teaching in sexology doctorate programs these days, but deep tissue massage is supposed to come before the sex. Or after, or at some other time entirely. Not at the same time. Also, this position sounds precisely calculated to prevent as much physical or emotional satisfaction as possible. He won't be doing much thrusting while sitting down with his legs spread wide, and he can't touch you because your legs are in the way, and you're staring at the ceiling. Sounds awesome.
19. "My wife was straddling my face and stretched one leg out to work my johnson with her toes." --Doug, 31
"Then she had an orgasm, lost her balance, and totally smashed my nads."
20. In a pitch-black room, have him direct a flashlight at the places on his body he wants you to lick. --Sadie Allison, PhD
I don't mean to quote every single one, but seriously? SERIOUSLY?
22. "Biting my shoulder will make me come." --Will, 21
That's...that's very nice for you, Will. I'm sure you two are fun at parties.
This is right where the Cosmo editors placed the big orange sidebar headed "FIVE HANDS-FREE MOVES GONE WRONG." Someone in the layout department is desperately trying to warn us.
23. Put lube on your nipples, then trace circles on his bare back. --Patti Taylor, PhD
This is the kind of "tip" that absolutely nobody would ever come up with except if they were being paid to contribute to a list of hands-free sex tips. NOBODY. EVER.
29. Your cheeks are so soft. Sweep them back and forth over his package. --Sadie Allison, PhD
Nothing wrong with this one, aside from the use of the word "package"--I'm just ultra creeped out by Dr. Allison complimenting me on my cheek softness. That's serial killer talk.
31. Climb on top of him naked, and pin down his shoulders with your knees. The visual is superhot. --Patti Taylor, PhD
Unless you weigh more than 105 pounds, in which case don't do this because it will fucking hurt. You could always give him a mid-intercourse shoulder massage with your heels afterward, I guess.
34. Have him squeeze lube onto his penis, then swirl your body over his shaft to spread it. --Sonia Borg, PhD
Like...your chest? Your stomach? Your back? Are we talking your whole body here? Because that's some serious modern-dance shit and would just be freaky.
42. "Right as I was about to explode, she bit one of my nipples firmly." --Brad, 28
Y'all, I am one of the last people to deny that pain can be sexy. I just think you should time your "grab the nipple firmly between the teeth" move for when he's not about to experience convulsive, involuntary muscle contractions.
Up until this point I was snickering but basically keeping it together. This was about to change:
44. Lick his eyelids, and then blow on your saliva. --Sadie Allison, PhD
WHAT. WHAT. SERIOUSLY, WHAT. I just...so many things went wrong in that sentence, not least the fact that I originally read it as "eyeballs." Not to mention that Sadie Allison is seriously starting to worry me a little. Your cheeks are so soft! Let me lick your eyes :) :) :)
45. Leave your heels on during sex, and run the sharp tips over his outer thighs. --Sonia Borg, PhD
This tip not recommended for women who have been known to experience orgasms, unless they and their partners share a fetish for puncture wounds.
47. Flutter your eyelashes against his boys for a sweet little tease. --Patti Taylor, PhD
"Jam your eyes up against his balls and blink."
Still, so far most of these ideas--well, except the eyelid thing, what the fuck--could conceivably be enjoyed by at least one partner, if things don't go catastrophically wrong. The last few "tips" are where the writers clearly just pulled body parts, verbs, and accessories out of a hat, so they could get home in time for dinner:
49. "My wife put lube on the inside of her forearm and slid her arm back and forth between my upper thighs." --Aramis, 33
...so it's like intracrural sex, except equally unsatisfying for both partners? I read this, immediately imagined the looks on the faces of any couple confused enough to try it, and just irrevocably lost my shit giggling.
50. "The best is when you push your organ back between your legs and a girl gives you oral from behind." --Joey, 19
THIS DIDN'T HELP.
55. "In the shower, my girlfriend soaps up her amazing breasts and washes my body with them." --Ben, 32
This would be such an amazing pain in the ass to actually do, I can't even conceive of it. So much bending and squatting and reapplying of soap! So much rubbing your breasts in his armpits! Unless "Ben" means that his girlfriend gets sudsy and rubs herself up against him, which is not exactly worthy of being called a "tip" because what the hell else do you do when sharing a shower with your SO?
AND THE GRAND FINALE. Not the actual last tip, because there was a shocking return to sanity for the last few, but it was too late. So very, very too late:
57. "I was eating a sundae with my girl. She leaned over and put my member in her mouth, which was still full of ice cream." --Randall, 34
Don't do this. Just...don't do this. Ever. I'm pretty sure this was sent in by "Randall"'s ex-girlfriend wanting to brag about the creatively sadistic way she found to break up with him. I mean, some ice cubes, sure, if you negotiate and plan it and that's your thing, but 1.) not as a SURPRISE, and 2.) not in a way that will make you drool melted ice cream all over his dick and your face. WHY, COSMO. WHY YOU DO THIS.
~the end! no moral~
so yeah, the list begins with things that are either normal or at least not actively worrisome--
4. "My girl rubs her hot inner thigh against my erection. The heat feels crazy-good." --Travis, 21
Totally fine, not alarming!
2. "My wife grazes her nipples against mine, and it's an amazing sensation." --Steve, 33
I would probably laugh if I tried to do this or watch it being done(mostly because of how you'd have to carefully line things up), but hey, it probably does feel good, so go for it.
5. Sweep your boobs over the back of his neck. --Steve Bodansky, PhD, author of The Illustrated Guide to Extended Massive Orgasm
Aside from the part where you're taking sex advice from a guy who thought that was a great book title, and the use of the word "boobs," this sounds pretty good if kind of silly-looking, but presumably the person you're boob-sweeping won't be watching you anyway.
Then you turn the page, and things start to get a little questionable:
9. He can insert his penis where the underside of your boob meets your ribs. --Sadie Allison, PhD
Well, yes. Yes he can. What is UP with all the sexologists saying "boob," here? Especially when they say "penis" in the same sentence? Also, if your breasts are big enough for this to be satisfying for a guy, they're probably big enough for a regular tittyfuck which seems like a much less awkward angle.
12. Look at him as you run your chin from his chest to his crotch. --Michael Castleman
Just...look at him. Stare blankly with your dead eyes, grinding your chin firmly against his sternum. (This is the only entry where the guy gets a last name and no quotation marks or age, but doesn't have any credentials. It's kind of creepy.)
14. Wrap your legs around him, and massage his lower back (a big hot spot) with your heels. --Patti Taylor, PhD
Doing this during actual intercourse sounds like a recipe for a major kidney injury. Also, super distracting.
18. Have him sit up, and lie between his legs. When he enters you, raise your legs and rub his shoulders with your heels. --Steve Bodansky, PhD
Okay, I don't know what they're teaching in sexology doctorate programs these days, but deep tissue massage is supposed to come before the sex. Or after, or at some other time entirely. Not at the same time. Also, this position sounds precisely calculated to prevent as much physical or emotional satisfaction as possible. He won't be doing much thrusting while sitting down with his legs spread wide, and he can't touch you because your legs are in the way, and you're staring at the ceiling. Sounds awesome.
19. "My wife was straddling my face and stretched one leg out to work my johnson with her toes." --Doug, 31
"Then she had an orgasm, lost her balance, and totally smashed my nads."
20. In a pitch-black room, have him direct a flashlight at the places on his body he wants you to lick. --Sadie Allison, PhD
I don't mean to quote every single one, but seriously? SERIOUSLY?
22. "Biting my shoulder will make me come." --Will, 21
That's...that's very nice for you, Will. I'm sure you two are fun at parties.
This is right where the Cosmo editors placed the big orange sidebar headed "FIVE HANDS-FREE MOVES GONE WRONG." Someone in the layout department is desperately trying to warn us.
23. Put lube on your nipples, then trace circles on his bare back. --Patti Taylor, PhD
This is the kind of "tip" that absolutely nobody would ever come up with except if they were being paid to contribute to a list of hands-free sex tips. NOBODY. EVER.
29. Your cheeks are so soft. Sweep them back and forth over his package. --Sadie Allison, PhD
Nothing wrong with this one, aside from the use of the word "package"--I'm just ultra creeped out by Dr. Allison complimenting me on my cheek softness. That's serial killer talk.
31. Climb on top of him naked, and pin down his shoulders with your knees. The visual is superhot. --Patti Taylor, PhD
Unless you weigh more than 105 pounds, in which case don't do this because it will fucking hurt. You could always give him a mid-intercourse shoulder massage with your heels afterward, I guess.
34. Have him squeeze lube onto his penis, then swirl your body over his shaft to spread it. --Sonia Borg, PhD
Like...your chest? Your stomach? Your back? Are we talking your whole body here? Because that's some serious modern-dance shit and would just be freaky.
42. "Right as I was about to explode, she bit one of my nipples firmly." --Brad, 28
Y'all, I am one of the last people to deny that pain can be sexy. I just think you should time your "grab the nipple firmly between the teeth" move for when he's not about to experience convulsive, involuntary muscle contractions.
Up until this point I was snickering but basically keeping it together. This was about to change:
44. Lick his eyelids, and then blow on your saliva. --Sadie Allison, PhD
WHAT. WHAT. SERIOUSLY, WHAT. I just...so many things went wrong in that sentence, not least the fact that I originally read it as "eyeballs." Not to mention that Sadie Allison is seriously starting to worry me a little. Your cheeks are so soft! Let me lick your eyes :) :) :)
45. Leave your heels on during sex, and run the sharp tips over his outer thighs. --Sonia Borg, PhD
This tip not recommended for women who have been known to experience orgasms, unless they and their partners share a fetish for puncture wounds.
47. Flutter your eyelashes against his boys for a sweet little tease. --Patti Taylor, PhD
"Jam your eyes up against his balls and blink."
Still, so far most of these ideas--well, except the eyelid thing, what the fuck--could conceivably be enjoyed by at least one partner, if things don't go catastrophically wrong. The last few "tips" are where the writers clearly just pulled body parts, verbs, and accessories out of a hat, so they could get home in time for dinner:
49. "My wife put lube on the inside of her forearm and slid her arm back and forth between my upper thighs." --Aramis, 33
...so it's like intracrural sex, except equally unsatisfying for both partners? I read this, immediately imagined the looks on the faces of any couple confused enough to try it, and just irrevocably lost my shit giggling.
50. "The best is when you push your organ back between your legs and a girl gives you oral from behind." --Joey, 19
THIS DIDN'T HELP.
55. "In the shower, my girlfriend soaps up her amazing breasts and washes my body with them." --Ben, 32
This would be such an amazing pain in the ass to actually do, I can't even conceive of it. So much bending and squatting and reapplying of soap! So much rubbing your breasts in his armpits! Unless "Ben" means that his girlfriend gets sudsy and rubs herself up against him, which is not exactly worthy of being called a "tip" because what the hell else do you do when sharing a shower with your SO?
AND THE GRAND FINALE. Not the actual last tip, because there was a shocking return to sanity for the last few, but it was too late. So very, very too late:
57. "I was eating a sundae with my girl. She leaned over and put my member in her mouth, which was still full of ice cream." --Randall, 34
Don't do this. Just...don't do this. Ever. I'm pretty sure this was sent in by "Randall"'s ex-girlfriend wanting to brag about the creatively sadistic way she found to break up with him. I mean, some ice cubes, sure, if you negotiate and plan it and that's your thing, but 1.) not as a SURPRISE, and 2.) not in a way that will make you drool melted ice cream all over his dick and your face. WHY, COSMO. WHY YOU DO THIS.
~the end! no moral~
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