(no subject)

[some_stars]

i remain alive, i am still very depressed, but i've kind of decided to live as if i wasn't depressed? it's not exactly working but it's not NOT working. i'm still vigorously pursuing various bdsm activities and through them, socializing, so that's nice. i've learned how to self-suspend albeit in a very basic way, and i've been having a lot of fun doing that. it's not only fun to be up in the air but also it gives me a nice sense of mastery, which is rare and precious with my brain the way it is now. i also took a wild leap into needle play, which would NOT have been possible before i spent months getting IVs twice a week and desensitizing myself a little bit. the needle pain doesn't feel good the way, say, impact play does--impact play has to be QUITE hard to even register as pain rather than just Weird Pleasure--but i really, really enjoyed the feeling of pushing myself to take it and also the feeling of pleasing the woman who was poking me with the needles and knowing she was getting off on it. and i really like the marks it left behind, too. i have a playdate tomorrow that's going to involve a whole bunch of stuff i've never tried (as well as things i have, like electricity), and i've made a date for someone else to tie me up next monday,...basically i'm just frantically pursuing Sensation to punch through the cloud of numbness, and sometimes it even works. when i'm literally in the middle of doing these things, i do feel something, and it feels good. so i'm going to keep doing it.

i also managed to watch some TV by virtue of getting friends to watch it with me, so i've now seen A League of Their Own (perfection) and Interview With The Vampire (i have some quibbles but basically perfection). i don't feel fannish about them per se, that's an emotion i don't seem to have access to anymore, but i did definitely enjoy them and i'm attempting to read the vampire chronicles books--reread, technically, but i read them in middle school and remember literally nothing about them so it's all new. book louis is a dramatic drop in quality from the magnificence of TV louis but i'm coping, somehow.