fifty frenchmen can't be wrong (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
some_stars) wrote2022-06-20 07:07 pm
some_stars) wrote2022-06-20 07:07 pm
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so i had my first real session with the kink-positive therapist this afternoon and...i think that was the first good and useful therapy session i've ever had in my life? and i have been to SO MUCH therapy, starting at age 7 and on and off for thirty years. i guess my brain just wasn't ripe yet but right now i feel like a rug that's just been hung on a line and beaten clean, my god. so this is why people go to therapy.
i definitely had A Lot to unpack in therapy today, after getting some difficult to process news about the person i've been playing with and am greatly looking forward to playing with again. it wasn't "don't trust her, she did bad things" but more like "i'm not sure about her, i've heard some bad things about her, but i know and trust people who completely trust her," and one of the things this person warning me was worried about turned out to be a misunderstanding, so i'm kind of in a weird place. because i, personally, have only gotten good vibes off her, but i also know that my judgment right now is not great because i'm desperate to play and convinced no one else will want to play with me and just generally high on the newness and passion of it all. so i had to wrestle with that. i don't feel like i'm in DANGER danger at all--the warning was about her potentially being manipulative and unhealthy, not assaulting people or flat out ignoring consent. so i might get hurt but not HURT, you know? so i think i'm going to continue playing with her, and keep a close eye on how i feel and how she behaves.
one thing that really threw me for an unpleasant loop was the person warning me--someone i've done some impact play with, and the person who leads the queer kink group i've joined--saying, oh, you should steer clear of D/s play for your first year in the scene, it's too intense, don't trust people who want to do that right away. and to be sure, there's something to that--i wouldn't do it on a first playdate or at a party with someone i just met--but like....i like pain, i like being beaten just for the sake of it, but that's just fun, and i don't get nearly as much out of pain with no power dynamic as a lot of people i know in the scene seem to get. what i'm HERE for is D/s, that's what gets me high. what on earth is the point of being in the scene if i can't do the main thing i want to do?
my therapist (who is also part of the BDSM scene, although not my local scene since i see her online) disagreed somewhat with the warning about not doing D/s, which made me feel better. i do have a tendency, when i find someone i look up to and look to for cues, to just take what they say as gospel, and it's good to have an outside perspective. i also, very suddenly and surprising myself, made the discovery during therapy that i would really like to be collared someday, although i'm almost certain i still don't want a traditional long term cohabitating marriage-type relationship (neither monogamous nor poly). but i would like to have someone i play with regularly and feel close to and loved by and feel genuinely passionate about submitting to, so...that's a goal, i guess.
anyway i'm going to the leather bar again on saturday for the pride party because some NLA folks are going to be there, and i'm making "connect with the leather community" a number one goal for myself. i've actually been reading a lot of vintage leather and queer S/M writing on the internet archive library--i've read Leatherfolk, and i'm reading Coming to Power now, and it's absolutely magical to feel that connection with queer kinky people from decades past, to get a little window into a vanished (or at least drastically changed) culture that came before me.
i definitely had A Lot to unpack in therapy today, after getting some difficult to process news about the person i've been playing with and am greatly looking forward to playing with again. it wasn't "don't trust her, she did bad things" but more like "i'm not sure about her, i've heard some bad things about her, but i know and trust people who completely trust her," and one of the things this person warning me was worried about turned out to be a misunderstanding, so i'm kind of in a weird place. because i, personally, have only gotten good vibes off her, but i also know that my judgment right now is not great because i'm desperate to play and convinced no one else will want to play with me and just generally high on the newness and passion of it all. so i had to wrestle with that. i don't feel like i'm in DANGER danger at all--the warning was about her potentially being manipulative and unhealthy, not assaulting people or flat out ignoring consent. so i might get hurt but not HURT, you know? so i think i'm going to continue playing with her, and keep a close eye on how i feel and how she behaves.
one thing that really threw me for an unpleasant loop was the person warning me--someone i've done some impact play with, and the person who leads the queer kink group i've joined--saying, oh, you should steer clear of D/s play for your first year in the scene, it's too intense, don't trust people who want to do that right away. and to be sure, there's something to that--i wouldn't do it on a first playdate or at a party with someone i just met--but like....i like pain, i like being beaten just for the sake of it, but that's just fun, and i don't get nearly as much out of pain with no power dynamic as a lot of people i know in the scene seem to get. what i'm HERE for is D/s, that's what gets me high. what on earth is the point of being in the scene if i can't do the main thing i want to do?
my therapist (who is also part of the BDSM scene, although not my local scene since i see her online) disagreed somewhat with the warning about not doing D/s, which made me feel better. i do have a tendency, when i find someone i look up to and look to for cues, to just take what they say as gospel, and it's good to have an outside perspective. i also, very suddenly and surprising myself, made the discovery during therapy that i would really like to be collared someday, although i'm almost certain i still don't want a traditional long term cohabitating marriage-type relationship (neither monogamous nor poly). but i would like to have someone i play with regularly and feel close to and loved by and feel genuinely passionate about submitting to, so...that's a goal, i guess.
anyway i'm going to the leather bar again on saturday for the pride party because some NLA folks are going to be there, and i'm making "connect with the leather community" a number one goal for myself. i've actually been reading a lot of vintage leather and queer S/M writing on the internet archive library--i've read Leatherfolk, and i'm reading Coming to Power now, and it's absolutely magical to feel that connection with queer kinky people from decades past, to get a little window into a vanished (or at least drastically changed) culture that came before me.